Even if you have accepted your infertility diagnosis and have accepted the idea of using donor eggs to start your family, others around you may still question you and your decision. Sometimes it comes in the form of nobody talking about it and sometimes the pendulum swings in the other direction and you may hear nosy questions such as:
- “Why couldn’t you have your own child?”
- “Doesn’t it bother you that your child won’t be biologically related to you?”
- “Did you have trouble getting pregnant?”
- “Are you worried your child won’t look like you?”
- “Did you have to spend a lot of money on this process?”
- “Isn’t it weird to use someone else’s eggs?”
- “Did you have to convince your partner to do this?”
- “Are you worried one day the kids will want to meet their donor?”
So, what are some things you can say to those “well meaning” but nosy questions?
Set boundaries
It’s important to set boundaries with those who may be asking personal questions. You can politely decline to answer by saying that it is a private matter or that you prefer not to discuss it. Setting boundaries isn’t always easy. But boundaries are important if you want to feel safe and protected. It is okay if the other party feels offended, but healthy boundary setting doesn’t mean you’re being hurtful. The boundaries you set can allow you to build a better, more respectful, relationship because they help establish a precedent for what you both expect from each other.
Educate
Even though it may seem obvious to you, some people really do not understand the process of using donor eggs and may be asking out of curiosity. Consider sharing educational resources or information about the process to help them understand better.
Be honest
If you are comfortable sharing, you can be honest about why you chose to use donor eggs. Whether it was due to fertility issues or personal preference, sharing your story can help to normalize the process and reduce stigma and in turn helps educate others around you.
Redirect the conversation
If you don’t want to discuss your own experience (which is totally okay), redirect the conversation to a more general topic. You could say, “I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to keep my personal life private. Can we talk about something else?”
Seek support
Coping with nosy questions about using donor eggs can be emotionally challenging. Consider seeking support from a therapist, support group, or other individuals who have gone through a similar experience.
The bottom line
Some questions may come across as tasteless and hurtful. Yes, most of this stems from a lack of knowledge about egg donation, but some of it also comes from a place of genuine curiosity and wanting to understand. At the end of the day, this is your journey and your path. You get to decide who, when and how much information you share.
