Donor eggs
5 Things No One Tells You About Using Donor Eggs
Becoming a parent through egg donation is an extraordinary journey, one filled with hope, love, and often, unexpected emotional complexity. As a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, I have spent nearly two decades walking alongside individuals and couples as they navigate third-party reproduction. My work focuses on the emotional layers that often go unspoken: grief, identity, and bonding.
In this article, I’ll share five things no one really tells you about using donor eggs, truths I have learned not just through clinical training, but through the voices and stories of the many families I have supported. These insights are here to help you feel more prepared, less alone, and more confident in the deeply personal path you are on.
1. It’s ok to grieve your genetic connection—even if you're excited
It is completely normal to feel a complex mix of emotions when using donor eggs. You may feel immense gratitude and excitement about becoming a parent, yet still grieve the lack of a genetic connection. Remember that these two feelings can coexist. Acknowledging your grief does not diminish your joy. In fact, giving yourself permission to process these emotions is an act of self-care.
Tip: Consider speaking with a therapist who specializes in fertility or joining a support group for people using donor eggs; sharing your experience with others who understand can help you process these feelings so you don’t feel alone in these feelings.
2. You may start seeing your donor in your child
As your child grows, you might notice features, gestures, or ways of thinking that feel... not quite yours. Perhaps it is the shape of their nose, their sense of humor, or how they tilt their head when they think. These traits may resemble something you saw in a photo or read in a profile. This can be deeply moving, but also disorienting.
Rather than trying to “fix” uncomfortable emotions, we can practice willingness by making space for those uncomfortable emotions without judgment. When a moment of recognition arises and brings a pang of unfamiliarity or longing, it can help to pause and notice: What value is this emotion pointing to? Often, these feelings reflect your desire to feel fully connected.
According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), intended parents should be made aware that genetic contributors may remain “psychologically present” over time, especially in known/direct arrangements. That presence does not need to be feared or avoided. Instead, it can become part of your child’s story.
Tip: Being mentally prepared for the donor’s ongoing presence in subtle ways can help ease unexpected emotions. Try naming what comes up: “I feel a little sad that I don’t see myself in this moment, and I also feel wonder at who they are becoming.”
3. Openness from day one matters more than you think
When it comes to talking to your child about their beginnings, early and honest conversations aren’t just recommended—they are profoundly protective. Research and guidance from ASRM emphasize that children benefit from being told about their donor origins at a young age, using simple, developmentally appropriate language.
Leaning into these conversations, even when they feel vulnerable or uncertain, is an act of living in alignment with your parenting values: love, openness, and trust. Practicing psychological flexibility means allowing your own discomfort (if it arises) to be present, without letting it dictate your actions.
Tip: Look for children’s books that explain donor conception in age-appropriate language. These can help make the conversation feel natural.
4. Genetic health information is a lifelong need
Choosing an egg donor doesn’t end with matching profiles. As your child grows, so does their need for ongoing access to genetic health information. Pediatricians and specialists may ask for extended family history if medical concerns arise. That’s why selecting a donor through a program that allows for future medical updates, or even open communication, can be invaluable.
Consider: Ask your egg donation program how they handle long-term updates to the donor’s medical history.
5. You’ll form a bond that transcends genetics
It is a common fear: What if I don’t feel connected to my child? For many intended parents using donor eggs, the absence of a genetic link stirs quiet doubts about bonding. But over and over, families share that the love they experience is not only real, it is often deeper than they could have imagined. Connection isn’t dictated by DNA; it is cultivated in the everyday rhythms of parenting.
Our minds often generate fear-based stories, especially when we’re stepping into the unknown. These thoughts “What if I don’t feel like their real parent?” don’t need to be judged or pushed away. Instead, we can notice them with compassion, then return to the values that led us here: the desire to nurture, protect, and love a child.
Bonding doesn’t happen all at once. It forms in the small, repeated acts of care—midnight feedings, diaper changes, and warm cuddles. And research continues to affirm that the quality of parent-child relationships has little to do with genetic ties and everything to do with presence, attunement, and emotional responsiveness.
Reassurance: Love is built in daily moments, not shared DNA.
Using donor eggs to build your family is both a medical decision and a deeply human one. It’s okay to feel a mix of joy, grief, uncertainty, and love as you move forward. The most important thing is that you’re showing up with intention, care, and an open heart. However your child comes into your life, your love—the kind built in daily, imperfect, beautiful moments—is what truly defines family.
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Dr. Saira Jhutty
Dr. Saira Jhutty is a licensed clinical and industrial organizational psychologist in private practice specializing in fertility. She is also a Founding Medical Advisor for Cofertility, and has spent the last 11 years focusing on assisting people build their families using third-party reproduction. Dr. Jhutty’s expertise lies in the evaluation of and consulting with potential surrogates and egg donors, and meeting with intended parents to discuss their decision to use alternative methods to build their family. In the past, Dr. Jhutty worked as Director of Surrogacy and Egg Donation at Conceptual Options, previously leading all gestational carrier and egg donor assessments there. Through her work with Cofertility, Dr. Jhutty provides guidance to ensure Cofertility remains at the forefront of ethical standards, including egg donor screening, intended parent counseling, and support for donor conceived children and families. For all members of Cofertility’s Freeze by Co egg freezing programs, she also makes herself available for office hours, through which members may ask questions directly within our private community.
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