relationships
What to Do if Your Culture or Religion Doesn't Believe in Egg Donation
Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times, but it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment.
Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).
Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)
The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed.
A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF.
But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?
What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?
How do I navigate making a decision?
You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child. What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?
Give yourself permission to imagine different options
Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options.
Speak to trusted members of your community.
Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different?
If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings? If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.
Summing it up
Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith. It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.
My Husband Doesn’t Want to Use Donor Eggs - What Do I Do?
When a woman is diagnosed with infertility and told that donor eggs are required to have a baby, different fears can kick in. One of the fears includes not being supported by family or friends. But what happens when that non-support comes from your partner? And what if despite his not wanting to use donor eggs, you still do? What happens then?
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… how does that song go again? Our world has so many cultural rules and norms in place that we forget that in reality everyone’s experiences, needs, and realities are very different. We say we are open and tolerant to difference yet, we let society dictate how we live, love, and feel. So when a woman is diagnosed with infertility and told that donor eggs are required to have a baby, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to be a parent, different fears can kick in. One of the fears includes not being supported by family or friends. But what happens when that non-support comes from your partner? And what if despite his not wanting to use donor eggs, you still do? What happens then?
Understanding your options: the pros and cons of using donor eggs
The positives are obvious: you get to be a parent. And for some, another positive can be that the husband's sperm can be used, thereby keeping some genetic connection. Negatives can include cost and finding the ‘right’ donor may take time. And in this scenario, conflicts with your partner about moving forward with donor eggs.
Read more: I'm Considering Using Donor Eggs. What are the Pros and Cons?
Communicating with your partner: how to have a productive conversation
When this topic first came up, you both most likely had your own private reactions. You both may have needed time to truly digest and process the situation. But sometimes, one partner moves through the process a lot quicker and immediately decides what to do while the other partner needs more time to figure things out.
So if you want to move forward with donor eggs and he doesn’t, what comes next? First, he needs the opportunity to spend time really digesting and processing this on his own terms. He needs to sit and put himself in both situations (using a donor vs. not using a donor) and being honest about how that would look and feel. Has he had time to talk to someone without you? Maybe a friend, the REI, or even a therapist? He needs to talk to someone about his biggest worries, his biggest concerns, and his biggest issues with using a donor and sometimes that person is not you.
You can’t force anyone to get on board just because that is something you really want. You also can’t let your feelings invalidate his feelings either. But what you can do is both get educated on the process, you can both speak with a therapist, you can both read the literature, and/or attend groups with other couples in your exact same situation. These are things that can help you make informed decisions, decisions that you can feel good about, even 20 years from now.
Can I pursue donor eggs without my husband knowing?
Surprisingly, this isn’t a joke. This question has been asked - a few times. If you have this thought, then you need to work with a couples therapist. Starting a family is a huge endeavor, regardless if you use a third party or not. It is a life changing event that triggers a lot of stress and can be very challenging. If you are not on the same page regarding donor eggs you need to find a therapist who specializes in fertility. This is important so you aren’t spending time explaining the details of infertility, they will already understand and be able to flush out the issues with you.
A fertility psychologist can help you explore different parenting options. Options such as adoption, fostering, or maybe even living child free. It gives you the opportunity to create a safe space for you both to voice your feelings but also a safe space to learn more about each other's feelings, needs and wants. It can open space for understanding and a deeper connection.
Coping strategies and how to manage your emotions during this time.
You can’t change the past and you can’t control the future. But you can learn how to be in the here and now by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can help regulate emotions, decrease stress, anxiety and depression. Practice self-care by doing things you enjoy and being with people you love. Talk to someone. Find a therapist, a friend or join a group, don’t bottle it up.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, there is no wrong decision. Navigating the complex world of infertility and exploring options like using donor eggs is a journey filled with challenges and emotions, particularly if you and your partner are not on the same page. It is essential to maintain open, honest, and compassionate communication throughout the process, granting each other the space to process feelings and come to a decision at your own pace. This is not a decision to rush, and sometimes the assistance of a fertility specialist or therapist may be needed to guide you both through this journey.
Remember, your feelings are valid and it is okay to feel a multitude of emotions. You are not alone in this journey and there are many resources available to you – from literature on the subject to support groups for couples facing the same situation. Lastly, self-care is vital during this time. Practice mindfulness, enjoy activities that you love and surround yourself with supportive individuals. Most importantly, no matter the outcome, it can lead to a deeper understanding of each other and potentially a stronger connection as you face these decisions. Together as a couple, you need to make a decision that is right for you and your family.
How To Respond To Nosy Questions About Using Donor Eggs
Navigating nosy questions others around you may ask about you and your decision to use donor eggs to start your family.
Even if you have accepted your infertility diagnosis and have accepted the idea of using donor eggs to start your family, others around you may still question you and your decision. Sometimes it comes in the form of nobody talking about it and sometimes the pendulum swings in the other direction and you may hear nosy questions such as:
- "Why couldn't you have your own child?"
- "Doesn't it bother you that your child won't be biologically related to you?"
- "Did you have trouble getting pregnant?"
- "Are you worried your child won't look like you?"
- "Did you have to spend a lot of money on this process?"
- "Isn't it weird to use someone else's eggs?"
- "Did you have to convince your partner to do this?"
- “Are you worried one day the kids will want to meet their donor?”
So, what are some things you can say to those “well meaning” but nosy questions?
Set boundaries
It's important to set boundaries with those who may be asking personal questions. You can politely decline to answer by saying that it is a private matter or that you prefer not to discuss it. Setting boundaries isn’t always easy. But boundaries are important if you want to feel safe and protected. It is okay if the other party feels offended, but healthy boundary setting doesn’t mean you’re being hurtful. The boundaries you set can allow you to build a better, more respectful, relationship because they help establish a precedent for what you both expect from each other.
Educate
Even though it may seem obvious to you, some people really do not understand the process of using donor eggs and may be asking out of curiosity. Consider sharing educational resources or information about the process to help them understand better.
Be honest
If you are comfortable sharing, you can be honest about why you chose to use donor eggs. Whether it was due to fertility issues or personal preference, sharing your story can help to normalize the process and reduce stigma and in turn helps educate others around you.
Redirect the conversation
If you don't want to discuss your own experience (which is totally okay), redirect the conversation to a more general topic. You could say, "I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to keep my personal life private. Can we talk about something else?"
Seek support
Coping with nosy questions about using donor eggs can be emotionally challenging. Consider seeking support from a therapist, support group, or other individuals who have gone through a similar experience.
The bottom line
Some questions may come across as tasteless and hurtful. Yes, most of this stems from a lack of knowledge about egg donation, but some of it also comes from a place of genuine curiosity and wanting to understand. At the end of the day, this is your journey and your path. You get to decide who, when and how much information you share.
I’m a Fertility Psychologist— Here are Questions to Ask When Meeting Your Potential Egg Donor
You already know how difficult it can be to select the right egg donor match for your family. That is why once you have found a potential match, meeting her (either in person, over video, or on a call), can be a great way to finalize and feel confident about your decision. Below are some questions you can ask during your meeting to get to know your egg donor.
You already know how difficult it can be to select the right egg donor match for your family. That is why once you have found a potential match, meeting her (either in person, over video, or on a call), can be a great way to finalize and feel confident about your decision.
Since starting work in this field as a Fertility Psychologist in 2011, I have facilitated many egg donor match meetings. Sometimes the first few minutes are a little awkward and uncomfortable. That is completely normal. That is why having a facilitator can be great as they can help guide the conversation and keep it moving.
Below are some questions you can ask during your meeting to get to know your egg donor. When preparing for your meeting, it can be a good idea to write down your questions and also write down hers. These can be placed in your child’s book (if you are making one).
Also, remember, she will likely ask you questions as well. So think about what you want the egg donor to know about you and your family.
10 questions to ask when meeting your potential egg donor
- When did you first learn about egg donation and why did you decide to donate?
Why are you donating to us? Understanding her reasons for wanting to donate can give you an inside look at her thought process, and understanding why she wants to donate to your family, can create a stronger bond and understanding between you. - Who will be your primary support person during the medical procedure? Make sure she has a support system during the process, and ask how you can help.
- Have you told your family? Not everyone wants to tell their family and friends, and that’s okay.
- If she has donated before, it is okay to ask her questions related to previous donations such as: What went well? What do you wish could have been different?
- What are your thoughts about the type of relationship you want to have with our family? Depending on your egg donation agreement, the relationship you have with the egg donor can be anywhere on the spectrum, from no involvement at all to attending birthday parties. There really is no right or wrong. It all just depends on what works best for you, your donor and your respective families. It is also important to keep in mind that like all relationships, this one too will evolve. Some end up drifting apart and others become closer over time. Again, there is no right or wrong here.
- Although questions about medical / family medical history are already in their profile, you can still use the time to ask them to clarify anything.
- Questions about education and career: what are you studying? What about that interests you? What are your career goals?
- What do you love to do when not working or going to school?
- Tell me about your typical day, how does it look?
- What are your expectations of us during this process? How can we help make this process as smooth as possible?
When asking questions, be respectful and kind, and if you feel she is getting uncomfortable, move on to the next question.
The emotional and relational dynamics of meeting your egg donor
It is normal to feel all sorts of emotions when meeting with a potential egg donor— from gratitude to being completely nervous. So be prepared to feel. Just remind yourself why you are doing this. Typically at the end of a meeting, most parents and egg donors are even more ready and excited to move forward.
Meeting your egg donor in-person or virtually is a great way to finalize your decision to use egg donation to grow your family. Bringing that profile to life helps to create a more personal connection with your donor.
Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility
At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.
Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.
We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:
- Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
- Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
- Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
- Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
- Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.
We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!
Read more: