What Should I Do If I Regret Using Anonymous Donor Eggs?

Just a few years ago, the idea of “open or disclosed” egg donation wasn’t really discussed, especially in the United States. Most donations were done anonymously. Typically, recruitment for egg donors was done under the premise that their identity would never be revealed and they would not have to be concerned about the donor-conceived child one day reaching out. Most informed consents for intended parents included a paragraph indicating that they would not have any identifying information about the woman who donated her eggs aside from a few pictures, some demographic information, and some self-reported medical information. Most parents and donors were good with that because anonymity and secrecy was the norm.  

Why anonymous donation is a thing of the past

Enter at-home-DNA testing, social media, and reverse photo searches, and the promise of anonymity pretty much went out the window. And as more donor conceived people started speaking about their experiences, it became apparent that knowing the donor in some capacity was very important. In a survey conducted in 2020, 70% of respondents (all of whom were donor-conceived) believed they were harmed by not knowing their donor’s identity, and 80% believed they had been harmed by not knowing their donor’s medical history. And as technology improved and egg donation became more and more of a viable option to have a baby, more research started springing up looking at the ramifications of anonymous versus known egg donation.

Read Disclosed vs. Undisclosed Donation: What's the Difference?

If it has been a few years since your child was born via egg donation, you may not have even had the option to share identifying information. Or if you did, most available donors were not open to sharing their identifying information, so you had to choose what was available. Or if you did have the choice, you may have decided to opt out and not share any information. 

At the time, not wanting to share identifying information probably made the most sense because unfortunately, the entire process can be so medical and procedural that it can be easy to forget the human side of things. Future parents can be so wrapped up in their longing for a child, and are so focused on creating embryos, that anonymity may have actually come as a relief. A relief from not having to think of the donor as someone whose family tree would be soon connected to yours. And maybe a relief because at that time you never planned on telling anyone and anonymity could be a way to maintain this secret.  And for many parents, an anonymous egg donor meant there would not be the threat of another “parent” to ruin the relationship between you and your future child.

But once your child arrived, perhaps you realized that this is your child and nothing, not even genetics could change that, so you may have started thinking differently about your egg donor. Or perhaps you have heard from donor-conceived people on social media, who are against anonymous donation. 

Read Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation

Maybe you wondered if your donor was left handed because your son is left handed. Maybe he has an intense interest in something that no one else in your family has. Or a medical diagnosis has you wondering where that came from? Perhaps a sense of regret kicks in and you think you made a mistake. You know having your child via egg donation was definitely not a mistake as there is no doubt that you are the parent and that this is your child. But perhaps you regret picking a donor that was anonymous because you realize that the egg donor is not a threat to your relationship, she is the one who allowed you this opportunity to become a parent. And maybe you realize that your child has a right to know about their genetics. 

Guilt is understandable. But you need to give yourself some grace because at the time you made the best decision given the knowledge and information you had at hand. A few years ago, even agencies and doctors agreed that anonymity was the way to go. If you used anonymous donor eggs and now regret that decision, remember it was not your fault. Agencies and egg banks have largely failed to educate families. And most haven’t listened to the voices of donor-conceived people. 

What to do if you used anonymous donor eggs

But now what? What can you do about this feeling of ‘maybe I made a mistake?’ Talk to your child, when you deem appropriate and like always, be honest. Be open about why you chose this route. If it was because you felt threatened and were afraid of how knowing the donor could potentially blur the lines, then tell them that. If it was because you really wanted to work with this donor despite her wanting to have an anonymous relationship, tell them that. If it was because the agency or egg bank didn’t do their job to educate you on the options, tell them that. Be honest.  

What if my child wants to find the donor?

If your child wants to find their donor you still have some options. One is signing up for the Donor Sibling Registry. The mission of this registry is to assist those conceived by sperm, egg, or embryo donation who are seeking to make contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. You can also contact the agency or clinic you worked with to see if they can reach the donor. This could be an option especially in certain states where laws regarding anonymity have changed.  But remember, even though you may now have changed your mind, your donor may not have changed hers. She may be content in keeping her information private.

You are a good parent

It’s important to accept that you are feeling guilt, sadness, regret or whatever negative emotion you are associating with using an anonymous egg donor to have your child.  Think about why you are feeling this way. Most likely it is because you love your child more than anything else in this world and you just want the best for them. Allow yourself to learn from this and ultimately release these feelings and move forward. This means reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can, you made the best decision you could, given the information you had at the time, and given the same circumstances, most parents in your shoes, probably would have made the same decision.