More and more people are turning to donor eggs to grow their families. In fact in 2021, there was a 19% year-over-year increase in the number of donor egg cycles in the United States. As more donor egg matches are being made every day, the industry is changing quickly. What used to be dominated by “anonymous” donations is now moving to a world of disclosure.
Just five years ago, most donations were made without the intended parent ever meeting the egg donor. But we’re changing that. For the vast majority of matches made at Cofertility, the parent(s) and egg donor meet during the matching period and moving forward with a cycle. Most of these meetings happen on the phone, through Zoom, or even in person.
If you’re in this process, with Cofertility or another agency, you may be wondering whether or not you should meet the donor before moving forward. This is a deeply personal decision, and in this article we will give you some important considerations to help you make an informed decision.
Questions to ask yourself first
Before deciding whether or not to meet an egg donor, it is essential to reflect on your feelings and motivations. Here are some key questions to consider:
- What are my reasons for wanting to meet the egg donor?
- Would meeting the egg donor impact or gain confidence in my decision?
- Can I meet the donor while maintaining discretion?
- What are my expectations for the meeting, and am I prepared for them to not be met?
Benefits of meeting your egg donor before matching
The world of egg donation was traditionally shrouded in secrecy and shame, and not meeting the egg donor was a product of this secrecy. But there is no shame or embarrassment about how your family comes to be. You should be proud that you moved mountains to have your baby.
Ultimately, the decision to meet the egg donor is yours and an option we believe families and donors should have. After all, a meeting is typical before moving forward with a gestational carrier. So why shouldn’t it be offered to those involved in egg donation?
One benefit of meeting the egg donor before moving forward is to become more confident in your decision. We created our donor profiles to be more human-centered and we think they’re great at showcasing the amazing donors at Cofertility. But you may just want a 30 minute conversation to feel like you know them a little better. This is especially helpful if you’re the type of person who has good instincts about people you meet.
Some families say that meeting the donor helped provide a sense of clarity and peace of mind, allowing them to connect with the person helping them to grow their family. We’ve also heard the same from donors, who feel even more committed to the process after meeting the families.
Keep in mind that meeting the egg donor doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship. And the meetings can happen without sharing last names. A meeting is just that, a way to meet and get to know each other a little better.
What should I say when meeting my potential egg donor?
If you decide that you would like to meet your potential egg donor, we will set everything up and provide guidance for the conversation. We can facilitate a phone or video meeting between you and the donor during the matching period.
When you meet your egg donor, it is important to have a plan for the conversation, but let it flow naturally. Cofertility will provide conversation starters ahead of the meeting, but here’s what to expect.
Some questions both parties can answer:
- Where are you from? Where do you live now? What do you do for work?
- What you enjoy doing in your spare time (ex. concerts, biking, running, gardening, etc.)
- What are you passionate about? (ex. animals, causes, food, etc.)
- What is something people are always surprised to learn about you?
Some questions you can answer for the donor:
- What has been your fertility journey so far?
- What does your dream family look like?
- How did you and your partner meet (if applicable)?
- What excites you most about being a parent?
Some questions you may want to ask the donor:
- Why did you join Cofertility and decide to donate your eggs?
- If comfortable, do you think about building your own family one day?
It is crucial to approach the conversation with sensitivity and respect, recognizing that the egg donor has her own boundaries and expectations for the relationship.
Is it okay if I don’t want to meet the egg donor?
It is entirely normal to have reservations about meeting the egg donor, and it’s entirely okay if you don’t want to meet them. The process of selecting an egg donor can be emotionally draining, and meeting the donor may bring up emotions that one may not be ready to handle.
Summing it up
The decision to meet your egg donor is a deeply personal one, and there is no universal right or wrong answer. For some, meeting their donor can provide a sense of closure and peace of mind. For others, it may not be desirable. Ultimately, the most important thing is to make the decision that feels right for you and your family. Regardless of whether or not you decide to meet your egg donor, we think having the option is the most important thing.
