For myriad reasons, finding an egg donor to grow your family can be a complicated process. Just finding a place to search can be overwhelming: you can work with fertility clinics, egg donor agencies like Cofertility, or you can ask someone you know. So, before you start your search, you should ask yourself: do you want to work with someone you know or would you feel more comfortable working with someone with whom you have no connection? The answer to this question will have an impact on everyone involved: you, your family, your future child, the donor, and the donor’s family.
Should I use someone I know as my egg donor?
A known donor is someone that you have some level of connection with – be it a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance. In the early days of IVF working with a known donor wasn’t the norm because it was thought that having a relationship with the donor could create confusion between the parties. But now, with more education and research being done on this type of donation, more people are turning to family and friends to help with building a family.
Pros of using a known donor
When working with a known donor you may have more information about them versus working with an unknown donor. Even with an in-depth profile, an unknown egg donor’s information can be more limited. Using a known donor can give you more in-depth information making you feel more in control about an already unpredictable and uncertain process.
If the donor is a family member, you can preserve family genetics by using gametes from the same genetic pool, which for some families is very important.
Research has shown that donor-conceived children often wonder about their donor. Conceiving with a known donor can give the child a sense of identity and your child can have a solid understanding about their origins and genetics.
Cons of using a known donor
There are also some potential problems with using a known donor. For example, there is potential for future conflict on how to raise the child, what and how to tell the child, etc.. Even with a legal contract in place, there can never be any guarantee there won’t be future disputes.
The known donor may feel pressure to donate or may change their mind and may feel guilt if they say no or back out. Or they may have regrets about donating, creating strain and tension in the family. This can be especially true if the donor develops fertility problems of their own down the road.
Should I use a family member as my egg donor?
When using a family member, it is essential to clarify roles and obligations. Although they are family, their role should not be confused. If your sister is donating her eggs to you, she will be the future child’s aunt, even though she contributed her genetics, she is by no means the mother. Even if they are family, most clinics will still require that the donor go through medical and psychological screening. So, it will be important to discuss what would happen if they didn’t pass one or both types of screenings.
What makes a good egg donor
There are certain elements that make for a “good donor.” For example she needs to have a healthy body mass index (BMI), be a nonsmoker, a non-drug user, and have no history of substance abuse. She should also have good fertility health and ideally be between the ages of 21 and 31.
Psychologically, she should want to donate, not out of guilt or obligation, but because she truly wants to help you grow your family. Importantly, she needs to have full informed consent. She needs to understand the pros and cons of donation, and how it may medically, physically, and psychologically impact her now and down the road.
How to ask someone to be your egg donor
Before approaching someone to be your egg donor, you yourself should have a clear understanding about why you need an egg donor, how the egg donor process works and the pros and cons of donating as a recipient and as a donor. You need to be fully educated and should be able to answer questions that she may have about all the above.
Be clear about why you are choosing her – what about her makes you think she would be the right donor? Be very open about their long term obligations. Discuss what it means if the treatment doesn’t work. What if there is a pregnancy loss? What are you going to do with the extra embryos? Then give her the time and space to consider her options.
Also give her an easy out. Let her know that you understand if she says no or if she needs time to think. Don’t make her feel that she is your only option or put the burden of your infertility on her. Let her know if she doesn’t respond by a certain date, you will just assume she is not interested and that you will move on.
Another option: find a disclosed egg donor through Cofertility
If you are looking for a disclosed egg donor, we can help. At Cofertility, our unique model of egg sharing creates a better experience for everyone involved. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.
We aim to be the best egg sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:
- Donor empowerment: Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
- Diversity: We’re proud about the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
- Human-centered: We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
- Embryo Guarantee: We’re committed to helping your family grow, and proud to offer our generous Embryo Guarantee to every intended parent we work with.
- Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.
We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!
Conclusion
Deciding to work with an egg donor to build your family can be an emotionally driven and complex decision. Part of making that decision includes considering what kind of donor you want to work with – someone you know or someone you have never met. When approaching someone it is essential to have an open, thoughtful and honest discussion about everything and anything related to the donation process. Then and only then, can a fully informed consent can be made for both sides.
