Five Parents Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Pursuing Donor Eggs

Donor egg IVF has become an increasingly common option for those who face obstacles in their journey to conceive. LGBTQ+ families, those who experience fertility challenges, and individuals with genetic disorders are among the many who benefit from using donor eggs. 

We spoke to five parents who used donor eggs to conceive their children, and asked them what they wished they had known before starting the journey. Here’s what they had to say. 

"I wish I knew that genetic connection doesn't define love"

The realization that genetic connection does not define the love between parent and child (or any two relatives for that matter!) is a significant one that many parents through egg donation come to embrace. While it can be a difficult concept to grapple with initially, the love and bond that develops between parent and child is not contingent upon shared DNA. The experience of raising a child through donor eggs can be just as fulfilling and meaningful as any other parenting journey, and the love between parent and child can be just as strong and deep.

Tiffany and James* struggled with infertility for years before turning to donor eggs. Tiffany admits that she initially worried about the lack of genetic connection with her child, but quickly realized that it didn't matter. "The moment I held my son in my arms, I knew that genetics didn't define the love I have for him," she says. "He's my child, no matter how he was conceived."

"I wish I knew that it's okay to grieve the loss of genetic connection”

For the Smith family, the decision to use donor eggs came after years of failed fertility treatments. While they’re overjoyed to have her twin daughters, Sarah says she wishes she had allowed herself more time to grieve the loss of genetic connection. "I was so excited to just move forward and finally have a baby, I didn’t give myself time to grieve," she says. “It wasn’t until years later when I finally started seeing a therapist that I realized I had underlying insecurities and grief that I needed to process.” 

“I wish I knew that everyone comments on your child’s features, whether your child is genetically related to you or not"

Rachel and her husband now have two children - one biological and one donor-conceived. Rachel shares that one of the most surprising things she's encountered is how people always try to ask where certain traits come from. "It doesn't matter if your child is genetically related to you or not - people are always trying to find similarities," she says. "I never realized it until I had a donor-conceived child, but people are constantly asking where certain traits come from, from height to personality to hair color" Rachel advises other parents to embrace the unique traits and qualities of each child and not worry too much about what others think. "At the end of the day, every child is a miracle and a blessing," she says.

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs"

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs," says Liz, a mother of two donor-conceived children. Liz went through several rounds of IVF before deciding to use donor eggs. "At first, we felt like we were going too far to have a child," she says. "But once we made the decision to use donor eggs, we realized that there was no shame in doing what was best for our family." Liz urges other parents considering donor eggs to remember that their decision is a personal one, and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to fertility struggles. "There is no right or wrong way to start a family, as long as there is love and commitment," she adds.

"I wish I knew that it's important to talk about the process with your child"

For Rohan and his husband, using donor eggs to conceive their daughter was a no-brainer. However, as their daughter got older, they realized the importance of talking openly and honestly about the process with her. "We didn't want her to find out later and feel like we had kept something from her," Rohan says. "So we started talking about it early on and she's grown up knowing that she was conceived with help from a donor."

Using donor eggs to conceive can be a complicated and emotional process, but these parents have all found their own unique ways of navigating it. Whether it's acknowledging the loss of genetic connection or celebrating the love and connection they have with their child, each of them has a story to tell about their journey to parenthood. And their stories offer a reminder that there's no one "right" way to build a family.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

‍

*Names have been changed.

‍