Whose Sperm Should We Use? How Gay Dads Can Decide What’s Fair

For many gay male couples pursuing parenthood through assisted reproduction, one of the earliest and most personal decisions is whose sperm to use. It’s a question that can feel both logistical and loaded, because behind it are deep considerations about biology, identity, fairness, and family.

Some couples know from the start that one partner will be the biological parent, whether due to medical history, family planning goals, or personal preference. But for others, the answer isn’t so clear-cut. Many hope to give each partner the chance to have a biological connection to their child (or children). And with egg donation and gestational surrogacy, that possibility exists. The question is how to approach it.

A recent study published in F&S Reports (2025) sheds light on how male same-sex couples make these decisions and what challenges may arise along the way. Conducted through interviews with 20 gay dads and intended fathers, the study revealed four main drivers of decision-making: desire for genetic relatedness, perceived risk, desire for control, and cost. Here’s what Cofertility took away from the research—and how it can help guide your own thinking.

The case for using both partners’ sperm

Many couples choose to “split the eggs”—fertilizing donor eggs with sperm from each partner in the same IVF cycle. This allows both partners the chance to have a biological child, often with plans to transfer one embryo from each partner over time (e.g., one child biologically related to one dad, the next to the other).

This approach is sometimes called a “split cycle” or a “dual sperm source cycle.” It's seen as a way to balance biology, support equity in the relationship, and build a family where siblings share a genetic connection through the same egg donor.

In the study, one participant said, “We both wanted to be sperm sources because it was important for us to at least have one child from each of us.”

But while this can feel like the fairest option on paper, there are real-world considerations that can complicate things.

When fairness meets biology

Not every IVF cycle yields the same results for each partner. Some couples who split donor eggs found that one partner ended up with several viable embryos while the other had none. This can be disappointing, and in some cases, emotionally charged. One couple had to do an additional cycle after a poor outcome from the initial split, and it created tension.

“If we could have reversed time, it would probably have been better for just me to do the full eggs for fertilization, rather than splitting it in half,” one participant reflected.

Biological variability is outside anyone’s control, but it can feel personal when it plays out unequally within a relationship. This is why some couples ultimately choose to do separate cycles: one full cycle for each partner, either simultaneously or staggered over time. While more expensive, this option avoids embryo imbalances and may preserve a sense of fairness.

Choosing one partner's sperm

There are valid reasons couples might decide to use sperm from only one partner, at least initially. Common reasons include:

• One partner has a stronger reproductive profile (e.g., higher sperm count, younger age, better motility)
• One partner has a known genetic condition or family history
• The couple is prioritizing cost and wants to maximize outcomes with one fertilization cycle
• The couple already has a child biologically related to one partner and wants to continue with the same
• One partner cares deeply about having a biologically related child while the other does not

Sometimes the decision is more emotional than medical. One partner may have always dreamed of a biological child, while the other feels neutral. Or one may express a strong interest in being the biological parent of the first child, with openness to switching roles for a second.

There’s no wrong answer—what matters is that both partners feel heard.

Things to discuss before deciding

Whether you're leaning toward a dual sperm source cycle or not, here are a few questions to talk through together and with your clinic:

• Do we both want a biological connection to our children?
• What happens if one of us ends up with no viable embryos?
• Would we be open to doing more than one cycle if needed?
• If having more than one child, how important is it that our children share a genetic connection to each other?
• Are we aligned on what fairness looks like—for our relationship and future family?

These conversations can be emotional, and sometimes unexpected feelings come up. That’s normal. In fact, the study found that many couples wished they’d had more guidance upfront, especially when early expectations didn’t match the outcome.

Planning for siblings

Some couples choose an egg donor with the future in mind, hoping to create sibling embryos for each partner. Others want both kids to share the same donor, so they’re biologically related through their egg side, even if each child is biologically related to a different dad.

This is another reason why choosing and coordinating embryo creation in advance can be helpful. A shared cycle or two coordinated separate cycles can allow families to preserve embryos from both partners for use over time.

The role of cost—and how it shapes decisions

IVF with donor eggs and a gestational carrier is expensive—especially without insurance coverage. Many couples in the study shared that financial realities were the single biggest factor in how they planned their cycles.

Doing one shared IVF cycle is often more affordable than two separate ones. Some couples opted for a dual sperm source cycle even knowing that one partner might end up with fewer embryos, because it was their best shot financially.

Others made trade-offs on things like PGT-A testing, or even double embryo transfer (DET) in hopes of increasing efficiency—though each of these comes with its own implications.

At Cofertility, we understand that financial constraints shape real-life decisions. That’s why it’s so important to provide clear, honest information about options, trade-offs, and outcomes. Intended parents deserve tools and support—not just access.

A note on what’s “fair”

Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Fair might mean supporting the partner who feels strongly about having a genetic child, while the other feels fulfilled just being a parent. Fair might mean sharing biological parenthood over two children, or deciding together to prioritize what gives the highest odds of success now.

In the end, fairness in family building is about mutual respect, clear communication, and making decisions that honor both partners’ hopes, even when those hopes evolve over time.

If you’re navigating these questions now, know that you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it all out at once. What matters most is building the family that’s right for you. There’s more than one way to do that, and all of them start with intention.