Tips I Give to Donor Egg Parents Grieving the Loss of a Genetic Connection

Bringing a child into the world through donor eggs can bring about a complicated mix of emotions, especially grief over the loss of a genetic connection. And for many intended parents, this path also comes with a quiet, often unspoken grief, the loss of a genetic connection. If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. And you’re not wrong for having these feelings. As someone who has walked alongside countless families on this journey, I want to offer practical tools to help you navigate this emotional terrain.

Grief over the loss of a genetic connection is valid, even if you are deeply grateful for the opportunity to become a parent. Many intended parents feel shame or confusion around this grief, wondering, “Shouldn’t I just be happy?” It is okay to hold both gratitude and sorrow as both things can be true at once. In my practice, I  invite parents to make space for these emotions instead of pushing them away. When we try to suppress or avoid uncomfortable emotions (like grief, shame, or fear), they tend to get louder, not quieter. And that pain may leak out in other ways, such as resentment, disconnection, or anxiety because it hasn't been acknowledged or processed.

“When we try to suppress or avoid uncomfortable emotions (like grief, shame, or fear), they tend to get louder, not quieter.”

As a fertility psychologist, I’ve worked with many intended parents who feel conflicted: grateful for the chance to build their family, yet quietly mourning the genetic ties they imagined sharing with their child. In this article, I’ll explore the emotional components of using donor eggs, including how grief may show up, how to communicate with your partner and future child, and how to stay grounded in your values as you move forward. You’ll also find practical tools to help you process your emotions, strengthen your sense of identity as a parent, and navigate this experience with compassion and confidence.

Make space for grief

Try this: Notice what grief feels like in your body. Can you name it, breathe into it, and allow it to be there, even for just a moment and without judgment? When we make space for these emotions, by noticing them, naming them, and letting them be, we’re showing compassion to ourselves. We’re also more able to respond with clarity, rather than react out of fear or avoidance.

You are not your genes. And neither is your role as a parent. Parenting is not made in a lab, it is made in everyday moments of care, consistency, and love. We can acknowledge the pain of a genetic loss while recognizing that your identity as a parent transcends biology. The love, attunement, and presence you offer your child is what builds deep, lasting connections.

Reflect on what it means to be a parent

Try this: Reflect on how you define what it means to be a parent. What values guide you, regardless of DNA. When you clarify your parenting values like showing up with love, consistency, and care, you reconnect with the heart of what makes you a parent. 

Words shape our reality. I’ve worked with many intended parents who’ve found healing through small, powerful reframes:

• “Love isn’t limited by biology.”
• “This baby is 100% mine—even if our genes don’t match.”
• “Grief and joy can co-exist.”

Rather than getting entangled in painful thoughts (“I’m not a real parent”),  notice those thoughts, name them, and shift how much power they have over your actions.

Shift your inner dialogue 

Try this: When a painful thought arises, say: “I’m having the thought that…” This simple phrase helps you create distance from the story. Being the observer helps you step back and see the thought as just that—a thought, not a truth or command.

Grief doesn’t vanish the day you bring your baby home. For some, it resurfaces during pregnancy milestones. For others, it lingers quietly during early parenthood. That’s okay. Staying present with what’s arising, without judgment, can help you process your emotions more fully. Emotions are like waves: they rise, crest, and pass.

Ride the emotional waves

Try this: Check in with yourself during key transitions. “What am I feeling right now? Can I ride this wave rather than fight it?” By checking in with yourself you practice staying present and compassionate with your experience. This builds emotional resilience and helps you respond with intention.

Grief doesn’t always look the same between partners. One may feel sadness; the other relief. One may need to talk; the other may withdraw. This mismatch can cause tension, even when both partners are deeply committed to their future family. The key is anchoring in shared values: Why are we doing this? What kind of parents do we want to be? What kind of support do we want to offer each other?

Be open with your partner

Try this: Set aside time to talk about your emotional experiences - not to fix, but to listen. Use value-driven questions like, “How can I show up for you right now?” This helps foster trust, empathy, and deeper connection. It shifts the focus from solving to supporting, helping each person feel seen and cared for.  

Many donor-conceived adults say they felt deeply loved and secure, even when they weren’t genetically connected to one parent, especially when parents were open and loving about their origins. Children thrive when we meet them with truth and trust. Talking early and often about their story helps normalize it, rather than turning it into a secret or shameful topic.

Talk to your child with openness and love

Try this: Practice child-friendly language: “We had help from a kind egg donor to bring you into our family. You are so wanted and so loved.” Practice this during night time feedings, bathing and snuggling. Practice this even before your child can understand, and even when you’re pregnant.  Let your body feel safe when you say them out loud.

Sometimes, the feelings are too heavy to hold alone. If you notice that grief is interfering with your daily functioning, relationships, or ability to connect with your child, it may be time to reach out for professional support. Fertility-specific therapists understand the emotional nuances of third-party reproduction and can help you move forward with greater clarity and peace.

Know when to ask for help

Try this: Ask yourself, “Am I living in a way that aligns with my values? Or am I feeling stuck in pain?” If the answer is the latter, support can help.

Choosing donor eggs is an act of hope. Of courage. Of deep, fierce love. Grief may be part of your story, but it isn’t the whole story. You are allowed to honor your loss and celebrate your path to parenthood. At Cofertility, we’re here to support you every step of the way with resources, compassion, and connection that’s rooted in real-life experience.