Is It Selfish to Have a Baby After 40?

The idea that having a baby after 40 is “selfish” didn’t come out of nowhere, it is rooted in a mix of outdated norms, gendered expectations, and misunderstandings about health risks. For much of the 20th century, cultural and medical narratives centered on the idea that ‘real’ family-building should happen in a narrow window - typically a woman’s early twenties - a norm that persisted until shifting trends began in the 1970s.

In the early 1900s, women in the U.S. generally had their first child in their early twenties; in 1960, nearly 43% of first births occurred between ages 20 and 24 and the median age at first marriage for women hovered around 21 to 21.5 years from 1900 to 1940. Motherhood was framed less as a personal choice and more as a social obligation, tied to ideas of youth, fertility, and a woman’s role in society. 

On top of this, early fertility science often emphasized age-related decline in ways that were simplified or overstated, leading to enduring myths. Media headlines warning about “geriatric pregnancy” or “ticking clocks” were historically used to label pregnancies after age 35 and reinforced a sense of fear and judgment. Today, assisted reproductive technologies, egg donation, and advances in maternal care have expanded possibilities, but the old narratives persist.

Medical Risks of Pregnancy After 40

From a medical standpoint, pregnancy after 40 does carry increased risks. Fertility naturally declines as ovarian reserve and egg quality diminish with age, making conception more difficult without assistance. The chance of miscarriage also rises. Estimates suggest up to 34–52% of pregnancies at age 40+ may end in miscarriage, largely due to chromosomal abnormalities in eggs. These realities have fueled much of the “don’t wait too long” narrative.

But here’s the other side of the story: modern reproductive medicine has changed the landscape. Donor eggs can dramatically lower the risk of chromosomal abnormalities, since the success rates reflect the age of the egg donor rather than the age of the intended parent. Advances in IVF, prenatal testing, and high-quality obstetric care also mean that many people in their forties (and beyond) safely build families. In fact, for individuals using donor eggs, pregnancy success rates can be just as strong as those seen in younger women.

Emotional and Financial Benefits of Parenting After 40

While biological risks often take the spotlight in conversations about later parenthood, research indicates many people over 40 are in fact more emotionally and financially prepared to become parents. Income typically increases over the life course and stabilizes later, meaning older parents often bring greater financial stability to child-rearing. A 2024 review found that older mothers demonstrate greater maturity and preparedness, often supporting stronger behavioral and developmental outcomes in children, sometimes offsetting biological risks. Associations with emotional readiness extend beyond parenting itself: research shows that late parenthood is linked with better educational outcomes for children, even after adjusting for socio-economic factors. At the same time, U.S. birth data reveal a marked shift: birth rates among women aged 40–44 continue to rise, while teen birth rates fall—highlighting a societal trend toward well-timed, later parenthood.

Reframing the “Selfish” Label

Too often, later parenthood is framed through a lens of fear—“too risky,” “too late,” or even “selfish.” But research and lived experience suggest another story. People who become parents after 40 frequently do so with greater intentionality, having weighed the challenges and possibilities with care. Studies show that older parents are more likely to have financial stability, emotional maturity, and established support systems compared to their younger counterparts. Many have invested years in building careers, relationships, and personal growth, which can translate into a parenting style that is deliberate, thoughtful, and attuned.

Try This: A Values Reflection

Pause & Notice

Take a slow breath. Notice any thoughts or judgments swirling—“I’m too old,” “People will judge me.” Instead of pushing them away, silently say: “I’m noticing my mind is offering me these stories.”

Reconnect With What Matters

Ask yourself: If I imagine holding my future child, what values would I want to guide me as a parent? Is it love? Patience? Stability? Playfulness? Legacy? Circle one or two words in your mind that matter most.

Take It Forward

With those values in mind, finish this sentence: “Even though doubts and fears show up, I choose to move toward parenthood because it connects me with ___.”

This isn’t about erasing worries or pretending risks don’t exist. It’s about anchoring your decision in what matters most, so the noise of judgment—internal or external—doesn’t drown out the love and intention behind your choice.

Using ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to Reframe Pregnancy After 40

From the perspective of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), it helps to recognize that stereotypes like “having a baby after 40 is selfish” are cultural stories, not facts about you. When the thought “Am I selfish for wanting this?” shows up, you can practice defusion: I’m noticing my mind is repeating a cultural script, not delivering a fact. That small shift creates space to ask the deeper question: What values are guiding my decision to become a parent now? Instead of battling stigma, you can anchor yourself in the meaning and love that motivate your choice.

From an ACT perspective, it’s important to notice how the mind can latch onto these risks and spin them into fear-based stories: “It’s too late,” “I’m broken,” or “I’m selfish for trying.” Defusion invites a different stance: “I’m noticing my mind is listing risks. That doesn’t erase the values behind my decision to pursue parenthood.” Medical information becomes part of the picture—not the whole story. What matters most is aligning choices with values such as love, family, or legacy, while using modern medical tools to make those choices as safe and supported as possible.

By integrating ACT-inspired language, this medical insight becomes less about “should I?” and more about “What is true? What matters?”:

• Defusion: Instead of believing the mind’s alarms (“It’s too risky”), one can notice that thought as “information—not a verdict.”
  
• Values Clarification: Readers might ask, “What deeper values—such as love, legacy, or family—are motivating this path?”
  
• Committed Action: Once values are clear, medical options like donor eggs, IVF, and advanced prenatal care become tools aligned with those values—not obstacles.