Coping with Jealousy During Infertility: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Healing

You are minding your own business and just casually scrolling your socials when you see it, another baby announcement. Here comes that oh-so-familiar feeling. It starts from the pit of your stomach, a queasy, sinking feeling, almost like dread or heartbreak. Then the squeezing or choking sensation, sometimes making it hard to take a deep breath. You might notice you are grinding your teeth or holding tension in your face. And the worst is that racing, fluttering heartbeat. Jealousy often lights up the threat circuits in the brain, triggering stress responses similar to fight, flight, or freeze. Those who have struggled with fertility have at some point felt a pang of jealousy at a friend’s pregnancy announcement, or have pulled away from people they love because their joy feels like a painful reminder of their own struggle. 

As a fertility psychiatrist, I’ve supported countless individuals through the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, and I know how painful and isolating it can feel when jealousy or envy shows up. In this piece, I’ll walk you through why these emotions arise, what makes them so intense in the context of infertility, and how you can begin to cope with more compassion and less shame. I’ll also share tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that I use in my clinical practice to help people move through these feelings without getting stuck in them.

Envy and resentment are common in infertility

These feelings of envy, jealousy, and resentment are incredibly common among individuals and couples experiencing infertility. And yet, they often come wrapped in shame, “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy for them.” The truth is that there is nothing wrong with you. These emotions are part of being human, especially when navigating one of life’s most painful challenges. 

Infertility is not just a medical issue; it is an emotional one. When faced with repeated cycles of loss, whether in the form of negative pregnancy tests, failed treatments, or miscarriages, one is experiencing grief. But unlike other kinds of grief, infertility grief is often invisible and unrecognized by the world. According to clinical Psychologist Dr. Janet Jaffe: 

“Infertility is a form of disenfranchised grief - grief that is not socially recognized or validated. This makes the pain even harder to bear, because people feel they must grieve in silence.”

Social media can be an emotional landmine

Today’s world makes it nearly impossible to escape reminders of what you are longing for. On social media, you are bombarded with baby announcements, ultrasound photos, bump pictures, and gender reveal videos. These are not just harmless posts for someone struggling with infertility, they can act as emotional landmines, triggering waves of sadness, inadequacy, anger, and jealousy. 

Read about how to make social media work for you: Navigating Social Media with Infertility: A Guide to Customizing Your Feed

The pain of unfairness

Humans have a built-in sense of fairness. Neuroscience research has shown that the brain regions involved in reward processing and social evaluation light up when we perceive fairness or unfairness. When we feel fairly treated, we get a little boost of reward. When we perceive unfairness, the brain activates emotional centers tied to social pain, which is why unfairness can feel personally hurtful, even when it doesn’t directly affect us. 

So, when you have worked so hard, saved and spent money, endured medical treatments, made sacrifices, and you see someone else conceive “accidentally” or effortlessly, it can trigger a deep feeling of unfairness: “Why them and not me? Why is this so easy for others when it’s so hard for us?” This isn’t because you want to take away their happiness. It is because you are yearning for your own chance, and it feels unfair that something so meaningful seems distributed so unevenly.

The difference between envy and jealousy

Though we often use envy and jealousy interchangeably, they are actually different emotional experiences: 

• Envy is when we want something someone else has. It is centered on longing and comparison. For example, one may feel envious seeing a friend’s pregnancy announcement on social media and feeling a pang of “Why not me? I wish I were pregnant too.”  Or watching a relative have a baby after their first try and feeling crushed inside, thinking, “They didn’t have to go through all this treatment, and I’m still waiting.”
• Jealousy is when we fear losing something we already have to someone else. It is centered on fear, protection, and loss. For example, feeling jealous when your best friend starts spending more time with other new parents, leaving you thinking, “I’m being left behind, we used to be close, and now I’m on the outside.” Or feeling jealous when your partner seems excited about someone else’s pregnancy and worrying, “What if they’re disappointed in me or less connected to me because I can’t give them this?”

When you can name whether you’re feeling envy (I want what they have) or jealousy (I’m afraid of losing what I have), you can identify the underlying need (longing vs. fear), respond with self-compassion instead of shame, and then work on different coping strategies. With envy, you might focus on grief processing and honoring your own longing. With jealousy, you might focus on communication and strengthening emotional bonds. It’s not about judging the feeling, it’s about getting curious about what it’s really telling you, so you can care for yourself more effectively.

Emotions are signals, not flaws

You are human. You will get triggered. You will feel emotions. Emotions are not good or bad. Emotions are signals. They are your body and brain’s way of responding to the world around you. At their core, emotions are: 

• Biological reactions — heart racing, muscles tensing
• Cognitive experiences — thoughts, interpretations, labels like “I’m scared”
• Motivators for action — urging you to move toward something, pull away, defend, connect, etc.
  

Emotions help you navigate life, they tell you what matters, alert you to needs, and help you respond to challenges.

When you notice yourself feeling jealous or envious of a friend’s pregnancy, a social media post, or someone’s “easy” path to parenthood, remind yourself: These feelings are normal. They arise because you deeply care about something that you don’t have right now. Feeling envy doesn’t make you selfish or bad. Feeling jealousy doesn’t make you petty or unloving. These emotions are signals of grief, longing, or fear. You are not alone. Countless individuals on the infertility journey feel this way, even if no one openly talks about it.

How therapy can help you hold the pain

In my practice, I use ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) principles. Within this framework, we focus not on “getting rid of” difficult thoughts and feelings but on making space for them with kindness. You might feel things you wish you didn't, such as jealousy, envy, rage, deep grief, but you do because you are only human. 

Next time something triggers feelings of jealousy or envy, notice and name the feeling “Ah, this is envy showing up” or “I feel jealous right now.” Allow it to be there without judgment. Labeling these emotions as “bad” or “wrong” adds extra layers of shame on top of the pain. Instead of pushing it away, try breathing into the feeling. Notice where it sits in your body, maybe a tight chest, a clenched jaw, a sinking belly. Say to yourself: “This is a moment of pain. I don’t have to like it, but I can let it be here without judging myself for having it. I am allowed to feel all the parts of this human experience — even the messy ones.” Offer yourself kindness by placing a comforting hand over your heart or belly and refocusing on your values. Ask yourself, “Even with this pain, what kind of person do I want to be right now — for myself, my partner, my relationships?”

I wish everyone would see a therapist because therapy offers something rare and precious, which is a judgment-free space where you can explore your feelings fully, without needing to edit or explain them. A therapist can teach you practical tools like ACT, mindfulness, or cognitive strategies to help you carry these feelings, without being crushed by them. I always remind people that therapy isn’t about “fixing” you. It is about helping you sit beside your pain, face it with courage, and stay connected to your life and your hopes, even when things feel unbearably hard.

Finding space for empathy — without denying your pain

Jealousy can feel isolating, and it can make you want to pull away from others or close off. But with mindful attention, you can sometimes shift toward empathy or curiosity. Have you ever stopped to think, “What might someone else have struggled with on their journey?” Can you remind yourself that their joy doesn’t erase your pain — both can exist at once? Instead of “They have what I want,” try: “We are both human, wanting love, connection, and fulfillment.” This doesn’t mean you have to be happy for them right away or deny your own hurt; it just invites a little more space around the pain.

It is possible to offer kindness and presence to others while still honoring your own wounds. So please, set boundaries when you need to. You don’t have to go to every baby shower or comment on every post. You can feel happy for them and sad for yourself at the same time. You can support others’ joys without pretending that you are not hurting. Lean on your support network. Find spaces where you can be held and supported, so you’re not pouring from an empty cup. Therapy, support groups, trusted friends, etc. – these are places where your pain gets to be seen.

You don’t have to deny your feelings or “fix” your jealousy. You can gently turn toward it, listen to what it’s telling you, and choose, moment by moment, to stay connected to yourself, and to others when you are ready.

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