Q&A: A Conversation with Jana Rupnow on International Donor Conception Awareness Day

International Donor Conception Awareness Day, celebrated on April 27th each year, is a global initiative that brings attention to the experiences, rights, and voices of donor-conceived people and their families. The day serves as a platform to promote understanding, challenge stigma, and advocate for supportive policies in donor conception.

This year, we're honored to speak with its founder Jana Rupnow, a renowned psychotherapist and leading voice in third-party reproduction counseling. As the author of "Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child" and host of the Three Makes Baby podcast, Jana has guided countless families through the complex emotional terrain of donor conception. 

In this Q&A, Jana shares her expertise on navigating disclosure, supporting donor-conceived children through different developmental stages, and fostering healthy family dynamics in an era of increasing openness about donor conception.

Let’s start by talking about International Donor Conception Awareness Day (IDCAD). Why did you start this day, and why is it important?

I created International Donor Conception Awareness Day to bring attention to the unique experiences of donor-conceived individuals and their families. It’s a day for education, empathy, and advocacy—a space to uplift the voices of donor-conceived people and encourage ethical practices in the fertility industry. Transparency, emotional well-being, and identity exploration are central to donor conception, and this day helps foster conversations that move us toward a more supportive and informed future. This day is also about reducing stigma and encouraging open conversations. Historically, secrecy has been a major theme in donor conception, but openness and honesty promote healthier identity development and stronger parent-child relationships

What changes have you observed in how families approach disclosure over the past decade?

Over the last decade, I’ve seen a significant shift toward early and open disclosure. More parents understand that telling their child early helps build trust and strengthens their relationship. Instead of disclosure being a single event, parents are embracing an ongoing dialogue that starts in toddlerhood and evolves throughout their child's life. This shift is largely driven by research, lived experiences of donor-conceived people, and advancements in DNA testing that make secrecy nearly impossible. The biggest challenge now is helping parents feel comfortable with these conversations, which is why emotional preparation is so important.

How has social media and the rise of direct-to-consumer DNA testing changed the landscape of donor conception? What new challenges and opportunities do these technologies present?

DNA testing and social media have completely changed the landscape. In the past, donor anonymity was assumed to be permanent. Now, donor-conceived people can discover their genetic origins with a simple test, often finding half-siblings or even their donor online.

This shift has led to more ethical conversations about the importance of known donation and transparency. While it empowers donor-conceived individuals to learn more about their origins, it can also be challenging for families who were not prepared for these discoveries. Parents who initially planned to keep donor conception private may find themselves needing to have difficult, unplanned conversations. This is why proactive openness is so important—it allows families to build trust and avoid the potential fallout of late disclosure.

You work with both intended parents and donor-conceived individuals. What are some common misconceptions each group has about the other's experience?

Many intended parents assume that if they provide a loving home, their child won’t have any feelings about being donor-conceived. Love is essential, but it doesn’t erase questions. Donor-conceived individuals often express curiosity about their origins, and that’s a completely natural part of self-exploration.

On the other hand, some donor-conceived individuals assume that all intended parents are trying to erase or minimize their genetic connections. While secrecy has historically been an issue, I see many parents today who want to do the right thing—they just need the right guidance and support to navigate these conversations well.

When counseling parents who are just beginning their donor conception journey, what is the most important piece of advice you find yourself consistently sharing?

The most important thing for parents beginning their journey is to prepare themselves emotionally. What does this mean? It means taking the time to dig deeper into any resistances, fears, or emotional obstacles that arise when thinking about donor conception. If certain thoughts or questions bring up discomfort, ask yourself why.

By doing this valuable inner work, you’ll be better prepared to support your child as they grow and process their own feelings. Emotional preparation helps parents show up with confidence, openness, and empathy, so when their child has questions or emotions about their donor conception story, they won’t feel alone in their experience.

Many parents struggle with the timing of disclosure. What developmental stages should parents be particularly mindful of when sharing donor conception stories?

Telling your child about their origin story (disclosure) isn’t a one-time event. It’s an ongoing conversation that should begin as early as possible, even during pregnancy. Parents should be especially mindful of these key stages:

• Early Childhood (0-6 years): This is the ideal time to introduce the concept using simple language and storybooks.
• Middle Childhood (7-12 years): Children may start asking deeper questions about their origins and notice social differences.
• Adolescence (13-18 years): Teens often seek more detailed information about their genetic background and donor to better understand their identity.

Being open from the beginning allows children to process their story naturally, rather than experiencing it as a sudden revelation later in life.

How can parents navigate their own grief about genetic discontinuity while remaining emotionally available for their children's needs?

Acknowledging grief is an important part of emotional preparation. If parents are experiencing sadness about not having a genetic connection to their child, it’s best to process those feelings separately from the child. A therapist or support group can help parents work through emotions so they can fully show up for their child without projecting their own grief onto them. I also created exercises for parents to prepare in the companion workbook to Three Makes Baby and through online resources like Parent with Confidence. 

What changes would you like to see in the fertility industry to better support the long-term emotional well-being of donor-conceived people?

I’d love to see more ethical practices, including limiting the number of individuals born from one donor to a manageable number. We also need greater recognition that donor-conceived people deserve access to their genetic health information. Moving toward known donation as the default rather than the exception would be a huge step forward.

You've counseled many donor-conceived adults. What common themes emerge in their stories that current intended parents should be aware of?

Several themes come up consistently:

• The need for honesty and early disclosure.
• A desire for access to genetic relatives.
• The importance of feeling heard and validated by their parents.

Many donor-conceived people express gratitude for parents who handled their story with openness and honesty from the beginning.

How can parents create a supportive environment for their donor-conceived children while respecting their privacy and autonomy in sharing their story?

When children are young, parents play a key role in modeling openness while also setting appropriate boundaries. There will be moments when sharing is appropriate and others when it’s not, and with time, parents will become more comfortable navigating this balance.

As children grow, it’s important to check in with them about their comfort level, much like when they begin asserting independence in other areas, such as no longer wanting to hold your hand in public. Some children may want to share their story openly, while others may prefer to keep it private. Allowing them autonomy over their narrative fosters trust, confidence, and a sense of control over their identity.

Could you discuss the impact of language choices in donor conception? What terminology do you find most helpful when working with families?

Language matters. I encourage parents to use terms that reflect reality while being sensitive to their child’s experience. Instead of saying, “You were a gift to us,” it’s more accurate to say, “We needed help to have you, and someone helped us.” The way we frame the story impacts how children make sense of their identity.

As donor conception becomes more common, what societal changes do you hope to see in how we discuss and support donor-conceived families?

I hope to see greater acceptance of diverse family-building paths, increased ethical transparency in the fertility industry, and a shift toward prioritizing the needs of donor-conceived people rather than solely focusing on intended parents. Recently, I published my book, Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child, in Spanish, hoping to spread the message of openness in Spanish-speaking countries where secrecy is more common. By centering donor-conceived voices in these conversations, we can develop policies and support systems that truly serve them.