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Donor eggs

10 Facts You Need To Know About Using Donor Eggs

Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, and is becoming an increasingly common way for families to grow. Read on for some important stats we think you should know.

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According to the CDC, 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, and is becoming an increasingly common way for families to grow. In this guide on donor eggs, we’ll cover some important stats we think you should know.

More and more families are using donor eggs

It’s hard to know exactly how many egg donation cycles happen each year in the US, but we can get a good picture through SART, which tracks data for nearly 400 clinics annually. 

In 2019 there were nearly 20,000 IVF transfers using donor eggs at SART-reporting clinics. That is up 14% from the previous five years. Of those transfers:

  • 1,776 used fresh donor eggs
  • 2,468 used frozen donor eggs
  • 15,294 transferred thawed embryos

Donor eggs can increase your chances of success

Around 53 percent of all donor egg cycles will result in at least one live birth. This percentage varies depending on the egg donor, recipient body mass index, stage of embryo at transfer, the number of oocytes retrieved, and the quality of the clinic.

At every age, the chances of birth with donor eggs is better, but those who benefit the most from donor eggs are women over 35 and those with low ovarian reserve. In fact, about one-quarter of women over 40 who succeeded with IVF did so through the use of donor eggs. 

The chart was made using the SART Patient Predictor for an average woman (5’4”, 150 lbs) with diminished ovarian reserve. As you can see, the chances of live birth after one donor egg cycle is 54% for recipients under 40, and only goes down slightly after this.

For those who match with a donor in our fresh egg donation program, the average number of mature eggs a family receives and fertilizes is 12. The number of eggs retrieved varies by patient and cycle, but can be predicted by a donor’s age, AMH, and antral follicle count, all of which will be known to you after the donor’s initial screening. Qualified candidates have an ample ovarian reserve for both their own needs and sharing. Egg share donors also often work closely with a fertility doctor to determine, based on their own medical history, the optimal number of eggs needed for their own future family-building goals. Should it make sense for the donor, they may choose to pursue a second egg-sharing cycle to maximize the chances of success for everyone.

Matching with a donor in our frozen program can provide the opportunity to move forward with your family-building plans faster, as frozen eggs can be fertilized or shipped to your clinic immediately. Donors undergoing frozen cycles complete equally rigorous ovarian reserve testing. While the total number of frozen eggs available will vary based on the donor’s retrieval outcomes, every frozen match is guaranteed to have a minimum of at least 6 frozen eggs.

To learn more about these programs and the differences between them, click here.

The success of egg donation depends more on the age of the donor than the birth mother

It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. The success of egg donation depends on many factors, but is not considered to be related to the age of the recipient.

So how old should your egg donor be? We follow ASRM guidelines that say egg donors should be between the ages of 21 and 34 years at the time of donation. Donors under 25 do not have better outcomes. So if you find a donor you love who is 30, don’t hesitate. 

Younger donor eggs may not always be better

One study of infertility patients using donor eggs found the chances of live birth among cycles using egg donors < 25 years was 13% lower for those using donors age 25 to 29.

Another older but large study of 3,889 fresh donor egg cycles found that the cycles utilizing donors 30 to 34 years had a higher incidence of live birth than cycles with donors under 30 years, as well as donors over 34.

While many people gravitate towards younger donors under the assumption that she’ll retrieve more eggs, the good news is that the number of eggs retrieved - for donors at any age - is predictable. When you find a donor profile that resonates with you, your doctor will help determine if she’s a good candidate. All the donors at Cofertility are pre-qualified and most of them pass medical clearance upon match. Create a free account today to meet your match!

Similarly, women under age 25 going through IVF have been shown to have a lower success rate compared to women 25-30, and may have higher rates of miscarriage. No one understands why this may be the case for younger women, but it’s one of the reasons we recommend donors aged 25-34. 

The median number of eggs retrieved from donors is 18, with half retrieving 13-25

A Harvard study of 774 egg donor cycles found that across all ages, the median number of oocytes (eggs) retrieved was 18. The middle 50% retrieved 13-25 eggs, meaning 25% of the donors retrieved over 25 and 25% retrieved under 13. Mature eggs were slightly lower, at a median of 15. 

Here is the breakdown of median eggs retrieved (and middle 50%) from the study, by age:

  • <25: 19 (14-26)
  • 25-29: 18 (13-25)
  • 30-34: 16 (10-21)

Three to five donor eggs generally leads to at least one genetically normal embryo

A 2015 study of 647 frozen donor eggs found that:

  • 97.1% survived thawing
  • 85.3% of the eggs fertilized
  • 59.1% made it to blastocyst
  • 84.2% of blastocysts were euploid (genetically normal)

So three donor eggs would yield a little over one genetically normal embryo on average while nine donor eggs would be expected to yield three to four euploid embryos on average. 

So what does that mean for bringing home a baby? One study found the pregnancy rate from a single euploid is nearly 70%, and that having three euploid embryos gives you a 94.9% chance of achieving pregnancy. Since the study is from a group of infertility patients, these numbers could be even higher for donor eggs.

The number of eggs your donor will retrieve can be predicted by her AMH levels and antral follicle counts. However, it’s important to keep in mind that overall fertilization rates will vary depending on factors beyond the egg, including the quality of the sperm and the quality of the clinic. 

Read more in How Many Donor Egg Cycles Does It Take To Have A Baby?      

Fresh donor eggs may be better, but the jury’s still out

There is some evidence that the success rate with fresh donor eggs is higher than with frozen donor eggs. A 2021 study of 323 donor egg transfers found the following live birth rates:

  • Fresh eggs: 49%
  • Frozen eggs: 30%

Another study found that thawed frozen eggs were less likely to fertilize and develop into healthy embryos. Howeverly, ultimately, they found no difference in pregnancy outcomes between the fresh and frozen donor egg cycles. 

Regardless, even with fresh eggs, most families decide to freeze the embryos after fertilization. This way, the embryos can undergo genetic testing and be saved for future sibling transfers. Some studies have found that frozen embryos have a higher implantation rate compared to fresh embryos, while other studies show just the opposite.

Read more in What's the Difference Between Fresh vs. Frozen Donor Eggs?

Children born through egg donation live happy, normal lives

While we still need more research into the experiences of donor-conceived people, there have been a few important studies that give us confidence that donor-conceived children have the same well-being as other children, and may even be closer to their mothers than others.

A study of 40 children born through egg donation found:

  • Children in egg donation families view their relationships with their mothers as warm and enjoyable, even more so than other children
  • There is no difference in the father-child relationship for children born via egg donation
  • There is no difference in the egg-donor children’s rating of their own psychological well-being 

When researchers asked the children about whether they would change anything about their family… The vast majority said that they would keep their family the same as it is. 

Similarly, another study found that mothers through egg donation find their relations higher in joy than other mothers. And egg donation mothers have low rates of disappointment and anger. So while it may feel daunting to pursue donor eggs at first, parents quickly come to terms with the situation and have similar, if not better, experiences compared to other parents. 

Read more in How Can I Come to Terms with Using Donor Eggs?

Donor compensation can be problematic

A 2021 Harvard study found that 62% of donor-conceived adults felt the exchange of money for donor gametes was wrong, and 41% were troubled by the fact that money was exchanged around their conception. 

Researchers have also found that payment may incentivize donors to falsify information, which could compromise the welfare of the donor child and family. ASRM suggests that a reasonable compensation should not exceed $5,000 US dollars per cycle.

At Cofertility, we have a unique model that does not include cash compensation. Instead, egg donors keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use. This has led us to be able to recruit a more diverse, high-caliber group of donors while serving families in a more ethical way. 

Telling donor-conceived children how they were conceived is paramount

Most experts agree that it’s best to be honest with children about how they were conceived and normalize their conception from an early age. 

One study found a lack of communication about the child’s genetic origins may interfere with positive interactions between mothers and their children (the study did not mention fathers). And secrecy surrounding the child’s donor conception was associated with less positive mother-child interaction. Another study of donor conceived adults found that greater parental avoidance of the topic was associated with poorer family functioning.

Sharing this information is good for the parents too. Mothers who disclose the information to their children by age 7 or 10 show lower rates of depression than those who do not disclose, and fathers have lower stress levels.

But we don’t need studies to know that honesty is important. Secrecy assumes shame, and there is nothing shameful about donor egg conception. 

Read more in How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

“Anonymous” donation is not a thing

In a world of ubiquitous genetic testing and social media, no gamete donation can be guaranteed to be anonymous. Regardless of the information you have about the donor on paper, the donor-conceived child may grow up and find genetic relatives, or vice versa. Fact is:

  • Many donor-conceived children become curious about their genetic origins as they get older
  • A medical situation may arise and you have critical questions to ask the donor
  • The donor-conceived person may find genetic relatives on a site like 23andMe 
  • The laws around anonymity are changing 

We believe, at minimum, families should have access to the name and contact information of the donor. This doesn’t mean the family has to have a relationship with the donor, it just means that if the child grows up and wants to reach out, they can. 

As egg donation becomes a more popular avenue for family-building, the industry is learning more about the nuances of the process. We’ll continue to stay ahead of the research, and use these insights to support our members. If we can be of service, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

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Donor eggs

Working with an Egg Donor After Secondary Infertility

If you are experiencing secondary infertility, and want to learn and understand more about it and how egg donation may work in this situation, read on. 

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Primary infertility is when a couple has not gotten pregnant after one year of actively trying. However, when a couple already has one biological child and is unable to have a second, it is known as secondary infertility. If you are experiencing secondary infertility, and want to learn and understand more about it and how egg donation may work in this situation, read on. 

Primary infertility impacts one in five couples whereas secondary infertility impacts one in 10 couples. With both types of infertility, one cause that can be attributed is age. By age 30, a woman’s fertility begins to decline. By the time a woman reaches the age of 45, getting pregnant naturally is very unlikely. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that if you are under 35 years of age and have been actively trying to conceive for up to a year, or if you are over 35 years of age and have been actively trying to conceive for up to six months without success, then it is time to see a fertility specialist.

Although the causes of primary and secondary infertility are pretty much the same, the emotional impact can differ. However there is hope in that fertility treatments for both types of infertility are the same and both have high success rates.

Trying for a second child

People experiencing secondary infertility may have had no issues having their first child. Regardless of their experience getting pregnant the first time, they usually had dreams for multiple children with hopes of having at least one sibling for their child. Having problems getting pregnant the second time around can sometimes be even more stressful and painful than  primary fertility because many times secondary fertility can be overlooked or neglected, and it can feel very lonely. 

The thinking that “well at least you have one” does not make it easier to relinquish the dream of having more than one child. Along with the shock and frustration of not being able to get pregnant again, there can come a sense of guilt because you should feel grateful for the one you have.  Or feeling selfish because there are so many that can’t or don't even have one child. And there can also be a sense of sadness because you are not able to give your child a sibling. 

How to have a baby with donor eggs after secondary infertility

If you have been told that your egg quality or quantity is insufficient, then it may be time to turn to donor eggs. Depending on your individual circumstances, the chances of having a baby using a donor egg may be significantly higher than the chances of having a baby with IVF using your own eggs. Around 50 percent of all donor egg cycles result in a pregnancy, giving hope of keeping the dream of more than one child a viable option. Although your second and first child may not be full genetic siblings, if the sperm used to create the embryo is the same as the first, then your children will be 50% biologically related. 

Is a donor egg pregnancy different?

Every pregnancy is different. So a pregnancy using donor eggs could look different than your first pregnancy.  Not because the embryo is created with a donor egg but maybe because of your age, or due to the fact that you are already caring for a young child and depending on their age, you may not be getting a lot of sleep or rest. Your life circumstances could be different the second time around - such as a different job, different responsibilities, and obligations than before etc.  There are many factors that could impact how this pregnancy looks and feels. 

Read Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?

Will the bonding experience be different for a donor-conceived child?

Once the baby is born, the bonding experience between you and the new baby will probably look and feel different than the first one as well. But not because they are donor-conceived! Most second time parents say they are more relaxed the second time around because they know what to expect and some find they can enjoy the infant stage a little bit more than they did the first time around. However, some find it to be a bit more difficult because they already have a child who may have some difficulties adjusting to this new life without all the attention.

How do you know if turning to donor eggs is right for you? 

Think about your motivation to have a second child, what is it and how strongly motivated are you to have another? How do you view the role and importance of a sibling in the life and development of your first child? What might the future look like if it included one child versus more than one? If the motivation and desire is very strong, and if you have tried all means to get pregnant again, then donor eggs might be right for you.

Read Donor Egg Success Rates: a Breakdown 

You may want to have a child that physically looks like you or your first child, and that can carry a lot of stress around using donor eggs. Really when looking for an egg donor, you want to find someone who could fit into your family. Maybe someone who has freckles like your sister or curly hair like your mother. Maybe you come from a family of chess players and you want someone who also loves chess. At the end of the day you want to always come back to your why… Why do you want a second child and how strong is your motivation and desire to have another?  

You don’t have to struggle alone. There are many community resources dedicated to people experiencing secondary infertility and Cofertility is one of them. We work to make this a warmer, more human centric process, by offering community and support throughout this journey. 

Our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

  • Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
  • Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
  • Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
  • Embryo Guarantee. We’re committed to helping your family grow, and proud to offer a generous Embryo Guarantee to every intended parent we work with.
  • Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

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Parenting

How to Talk to Your Donor Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

Disclosing to your child that they were born via egg donation may make you anxious or nervous. We're here to review the research that shows the importance of openness and honesty in telling children their conception story and telling it early. 

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Disclosing to your child that they were born via egg donation may make you anxious or nervous. You may worry about when, what, and how to tell them the story. Because of this, some parents may want to delay this conversation for as long as possible, or may avoid this conversation at all. Although this is your family and you get to decide how / if  to tell your story, research has shown over and over the importance of openness and honesty in telling children their conception story and telling it early. 

Why telling your child their donor conception story is important

But why is disclosure even important? Some reasons for disclosing include your child’s right to know about their genetics, the need for them to have accurate medical information, and most importantly – for encouraging honesty and trust in your relationship. Finding out accidentally from a family member, a DNA test, or routine medical check can create lasting psychological damage and make your child feel as though their conception is somehow shameful (which it’s absolutely not). 

Although it’s hard to predict your child’s reaction to this knowledge, research has shown that most parents do not express regret about sharing their story with their child and report no negative effect on their child or with their relationship with their child upon disclosing. In fact, studies indicate that disclosing families saw themselves as being more competent as parents and having a stronger relationship with their children, than those who did not disclose.

When should you tell your child they are donor conceived?

But what about the timing? When should you start telling? The advantages of telling your child early (think toddler age) have been associated with better outcomes because starting early helps the child process the information in a more factual and non-emotional manner. It allows for the parents to establish the foundation for an ongoing discussion about how their family came to be. It also helps in introducing a vocabulary which can be used and elaborated on as the child’s understanding develops. Finally, it helps parents with practicing telling the story until it becomes second nature and just a part of their family history. 

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child.

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child. Saying they are too young to understand can sometimes become an excuse for not telling the child early on. Parents may feel that they need to wait until their child is old enough to understand. But disclosure is a process, not a one time announcement. It is not about your child understanding the facts about reproduction, science or family origins. Disclosure is an ongoing process where more and more information is gradually shared and discussed. 

Before you start writing your script or deciding on when and how you are going to share the conception story, it is important for you, as a parent, to think about what using donor eggs has meant to you. What are your fears regarding using a donor and how does that fear play a role in disclosure? You need to be at peace with yourself and your decision to use a donor. Secondly, if you have a partner, ensure that you are both on the same page regarding disclosure and the timing of it. 

Tips for talking to your child about being donor conceived

So how do you start? The first part of disclosure is the when and how regarding conception. Start with the basics and use age appropriate language when speaking to your child. What does that mean? It means talking to your child in a way they will understand. Your script can begin with your want to have a family but inability to do so, therefore, needing to turn to a donor and doctor for help. Focus on the happiness and love that came when the special baby was born and your gratitude for all those who helped.  

As your child grows older, you can begin to expand on this story by telling more facts about reproduction, egg and sperm, and the science used. You can also start telling them more about their donor. You will find as your child grows their curiosity about their donor may also grow. This is completely normal. But don't let this curiosity impact you negatively. Interest does not mean they are looking for their “real parent” or that your relationship with your child is in trouble. Knowledge about their donor is just one part of disclosure and can be an important part of identity formation. So try to preserve as much donor information as you can (profiles, pictures etc), as this may become important information for your child in later life. 

Read Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor Conceived Child

There are many books that can be used to help share your family story. You can even make your own book with pictures of the donor, the doctors, the embryo etc. that can be read from day one. You can also read more about what other parents have done and what worked for them or join a support group specifically for families using donors to have a family. 

At the end of day, you want to normalize your child’s birth story and you want to differentiate the donor from the parent. You want to reinforce your role as a parent and the generosity and kindness of the world that came together to create the most special member of the family. 

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

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Donor eggs

35 Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Using Donor Eggs

Maybe you've found the perfect donor or maybe you have just started exploring the process. Either way, we're walking you through everything you need to discuss with your REI to continue on your family-building journey.

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Maybe you have already found the perfect donor on Family by Co, or maybe you have just started exploring the platform. Either way, it is time to have a candid discussion with your reproductive endocrinologist (REI) so you can be crystal clear on next steps, their involvement with the donation process, and what this could mean for your family-building journey.

Do not worry if at first you are confused and overwhelmed about what questions to ask. Many times I hear, “I don’t know what to ask because I don’t even know how any of this works!” This process can definitely be overwhelming and confusing. First of all, you are not alone and you are not expected to be an expert on all things IVF. But by the end of it all, you might as well have your medical degree because you will learn more than you ever thought you wanted to know about the reproductive system!

You eat an elephant one bite and a time, so grab a notebook or create a folder in your phone. Keep a working document with all your questions and answers in one place so when you get home you can review what was said (trust me, you will forget) and have time to process and call back to ask more questions.  

Take a deep breath. Your laces are tied and you have started the race and we are here to help you up that hill. Below are some questions and discussion points to have with your REI regarding egg donation. 

First, ask the clinic about their egg donor screening protocol. Protocols and screenings can potentially differ if you are using a donor who is experienced vs. someone doing this for the first time. So you need to ask questions regarding their donor screening and approval process.

  1. I am working with an agency to find my donor. What information do you need to move forward and work with my chosen donor? Will you accept testing/screening that was done outside your clinic?
  2. What is involved with the egg donor screening in terms of medical, genetic and psychological screening? What should I be looking out for? What happens if the donor fails one or all the screenings?
  3. How long can we expect the process to take? What is your appointment availability - one week or one month out? How long does it take to get results?
  4. How many in-person visits are required? This can be important if your donor lives far from the clinic, as you may be expected to pay for donor travel costs. 
  5. Does the donor’s partner need to be involved in the screening process? If yes, what screenings and costs are involved?
  6. What can delay the screening and approval process?
  7. My donor doesn’t live close to this clinic, can she be monitored close to home? If so, do you have a list of clinics you recommend? 

If you have never done an egg retrieval, you may want to learn more about the process, the medications and side effects.

  1. What does the donor need to do to prepare for retrieval?
  2. What are the side effects of the medications and the retrieval process?
  3. Is there anything she can do to make this retrieval successful?
  4. Can I have a copy of her calendar with medication instructions and anticipated lab or ultrasound visits?
  5. Who will teach her how to do the injections?

You may have already discussed success rates with your clinic but if not, you want to ask specific questions. Sart.org is a great place to research and understand clinic success rates. You can use this online calculator from SART to get an idea of your success rates.

  1. Given my history, will donor eggs increase my chances of success?
  2. What is the success rate for my particular case using this particular egg and sperm?
  3. How is success measured? Is it defined as embryo creation, pregnancy or a live birth?
  4. What percentage of women get pregnant and deliver a baby after the first embryo transfer?

Sperm is 50% of the equation so you also need to ask some questions about sperm, regardless if you are using a donor, a partner, or your own. 

  1. When will sperm need to be deposited? Day of retrieval or can it be deposited earlier and frozen? 
  2. Is there a difference in outcomes if fresh vs frozen sperm is used to create embryos?
  3. What tests will be required of the sperm?
  4. What test results can make the sperm unusable?
  5. How many appointments will be needed?
  6. What if I already have frozen sperm? How do I get it to your clinic?

If you are participating in our split program and sharing the retrieved eggs with your donor instead of cash compensation, you should have a solid understanding about how it works. 

  1. When will I find out how many eggs were retrieved? 
  2. How will the clinic split the batch of retrieved eggs? 
  3. How will they decide who gets which eggs? 
  4. What happens to the eggs I keep vs the eggs the donor keeps after retrieval?

It is Cofertility’s policy that if an odd number of mature eggs are retrieved, the parents get one more egg than the donor. And if there are any immature eggs retrieved, the donor gets to keep those. 

Some clinics recommend or maybe even require a minimum number of eggs to be retrieved in order to create one embryo. So, finding out your clinic's minimum is important. 

  1. What is the minimum number of eggs you recommend / require to create one embryo?
  2. What happens if I do not have enough eggs?
  3. Do you do genetic testing on the eggs or do we wait until the embryo is created?
  4. How do I know about the quality of the eggs?

Once the eggs are retrieved, the clinic will then fertilize and grow the embryos to blastocyst stage. 

  1. How is the embryo created? What are my options? Does one option create higher success rates?
  2. Do you recommend we transfer fresh vs frozen embryos?
  3. Do you recommend we genetically test the embryos? What are the risks and benefits of doing these tests?
  4. If using frozen, when should they be dethawed and transferred?
  5. How many should be transferred at one time? What are the risks of multiples?

At the end of the day, although you are not expected to be an expert and understand every single aspect of donation, you do need to feel comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about making decisions regarding your journey. Do not feel ashamed to ask a lot of questions! Knowledge is power, and a good physician will be there to guide you. 

Problems typically occur when people are not on the same page as the clinic, or have unrealistic expectations because they do not fully understand the process. Ask the question over and over until you understand. 

Just remember, even though it may feel as if you don’t have everything figured out, or that you still don’t understand how it all works, that is okay. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you are not alone. We got you.

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Donor eggs

Seven Reasons Families Use Donor Eggs

According to the CDC, about 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Read on to find out some of the reasons a person or a couple would need donor eggs.

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According to the CDC, about 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, which is why more families are turning to egg donation to build their families. What are some of the reasons a person or couple would need donor eggs? Read on to find out. 

Infertility due to low ovarian reserve 

As the average age of starting a family continues to increase, more and more women are facing the reality that we’re constrained by the number – and quality – of our eggs. Since females are born with all of the follicles we will ever have, the pool of waiting follicles is gradually used up. Diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) is the medical term for low egg supply which is often associated with poor response to IVF. It happens to all females as we age, but can happen early due to disease or injury.

The good news is, your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger donor eggs. 

Repeated IVF failures with own eggs

IVF does not work for everyone. For those who have had low response to ovarian stimulation, embryo quality issues, fertilization issues, and/or implantation failure, donor eggs can increase the chances of success. 

Infertility due to recurrent miscarriage

In addition to the quantity of eggs declining, after the age of 35, it is more common for eggs to begin to accumulate mutations, which can lead to a higher risk of miscarriage. When using donor eggs from a qualified donor, the egg quality concerns are nearly eliminated. In fact, the live birth rate is higher – and the miscarriage rates are lower – for women using donor eggs.

LGBTQ+

For any individual or couple without working ovaries (sex male couples, transgender women, etc.) – egg donation coupled with one partner’s sperm (or sperm from an egg donor) is a viable path to parenthood. Between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have an LGBTQ+ parent, and 25-50% of transgender individuals are parents. Read more in LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources.

Genetic mutations

There are some cases when a person or couple carries a hereditary genetic disease that can be transmitted to the offspring and cannot be detected by preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). To decrease the risk of passing on the genetic abnormality to offspring, these families often pursue egg donation.

Single males

Pew Research claims that the number of single fathers — both gay and straight — has increased about ninefold since 1960, from less than 300,000 to more than 2.6 million in 2011. For single males using donor eggs, a gestational carrier would also be needed for the pregnancy. 

People without ovaries

For people born without ovaries, or for those who have had their ovaries surgically removed, egg donation can help them become parents. Some people without ovaries are still capable of carrying a pregnancy without difficulty through donor eggs.

‍Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

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Donor eggs

I'm Jewish. How Should I Be Thinking About A Jewish Egg Donor?

If you are Jewish and beginning the egg donor process, you may be wondering whether it’s important that your egg donor is Jewish as well. We asked Rabbi Julie Bressler to weigh in, read on to learn more!

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Lauren here, CEO of Cofertility and someone who's thought a lot about building my own Jewish family. I know many of our Jewish intended parents are asking themselves questions about Jewish identity and egg donation, so I asked my sister-in-law, Rabbi Julie Bressler to weigh in. Her thoughts are below!

If you are Jewish and beginning the egg donor process, you may be wondering whether it’s important that your egg donor is Jewish as well. Is it the egg donor, the gestational carrier, or the social parent that passes down a person’s Jewish status? These are questions that really didn’t exist until recently as modern medicine has allowed us new ways to build families. So let’s dive in.

Many Jewish intended parents, whether religiously observant or not, want to make sure that their children will be Jewish as well. Remember, Judaism can be both a religion and/or an ethnicity (some even consider it an ethno-religious identity!). With adoption, when a Jewish family adopts a child born to a non-Jewish birth mother, that child can become Jewish through conversion. Is the same true for egg donation? It depends on who you ask, but more than anything, it’s up to you. 

What the Torah says about egg donation

There is no clear injunction in the Torah against donor eggs, and there is a clear imperative to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jewish law, in general, defines a child's native religion according to the religion of the mother at the time of birth. 

Most Jewish people embrace egg donation and recognize the child as Jewish

The Reform movement (which comprises about 70% of Jewish people worldwide), defines Jewish identity based on upbringing rather than on genetics. If a child is raised Jewish and has one Jewish parent, father or mother, the child is considered Jewish, and so the issue of a Jewish egg donor is moot

Furthermore, in 1996, The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Rabbinical Assembly stated that “we hold that a child born to a Jewish woman is Jewish, regardless of the religious status of the ovum donor."

Topics to discuss with your rabbi/cantor/spiritual leader

Talking to your spiritual leader can help you find clarity in what this means to you. So much about Jewish identity is about what feels right for you and talking to your rabbi can help you parse these things out. Here are some sample topics you can discuss:

  • How important is it that the egg donor is Jewish? 
  • What if the egg donor converted, but was not born Jewish?
  • What if I’m carrying the baby? What if a gestational carrier is carrying the baby?
  • What is more important, that the donor looks like me or is Jewish?
  • If we choose an egg donor who is not Jewish, do we need to convert the child to Judaism? How soon can we do so if we need to?

How to find a Jewish egg donor

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. Our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Join now for free to begin searching for Jewish egg donors!

Rabbi Julie Bressler serves as the Associate Rabbi & Educator at Temple Sinai in Oakland, CA. She is very proud to be co-aunts with Lauren to two wonderful nephews and one awesome niece. Rabbi Bressler is passionate about encouraging folks to live their Judaism, however they define it, proudly and fully in the public and private spheres. She is an advocate for social justice, especially reproductive access, and is grateful that Cofertility exists to help individuals have more agency in their fertility journeys.

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Donor eggs

Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?

If you’re looking for an egg donor, you may be wondering which attributes are most important. We're diving into some considerations about picking an egg donor that looks like one of the parents.

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If you’re looking for an egg donor, you may be wondering which attributes are most important. Is it her personality? Her interests? Her ethnicity? Her physical characteristics? As you browse the profiles of donors on our Family by Co platform, you will get to know each potential donor better. You will see what she looked like as a child, learn about her hobbies and life goals, and hopefully find someone who is the right match to help build your family.

So how important is it that the egg donor looks like one of the parents? We get this question a lot, so let’s dive into some considerations. 

Inconspicuous families 

If you want to increase the chances that the donor-conceived child looks like your family, then you may want to find a donor with similar physical features. Keep in mind – even genetic relatives can look wildly different. And picking a donor that looks like you in no way guarantees the child will look like you or the donor! 

No matter how you bring your child into this world, people will ask questions like “where does she get her curly hair?” or “where did he get the tall gene?”. It happens to all families, and most people ask with curiosity, not malice. But – these questions can be triggering to some people. 

What physical traits can I choose for an egg donor?

Our Family by Co platform allows you to search for pre-screened donors based on multiple criteria, including: 

  • Race
  • Heritage 
  • Ancestry
  • Hair color
  • Eye color
  • Height

In addition to these physical traits, you can also search based on:

  • Level of education
  • Personality
  • Left / Right brain

It’s free to create an account and browse the profiles of donors. Click here to get started.

Transracial egg donation

Can you pick an egg donor of a different race? Perhaps you are really drawn to a donor who is like you in so many ways… except her race. Should you still match with them? This route is absolutely possible but should be taken with thoughtful consideration. In the adoption world, conspicuous families are very common. But it does increase the chances of comments and questions from nosy people.  

Selecting a donor of a different race or ethnicity also means that child may grow up with questions about their genetic roots that are different from yours. Talk about race from day one. Show the child the importance of diversity in society, and ensure that you socialize with people of different cultures. Surround yourself with other multiracial families and find ways to expose your child to their genetic culture. 

Can you choose what your egg donor looks like?

You can absolutely choose what your egg donor looks like if that is important to you. If you want as many options as possible, check out our Family by Co platform. Plus, our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

How to find an egg donor that looks like you

Get started today and match quickly! Create a free account to learn about our pre-qualified donors — their values, personalities, and more. Once you’ve found the right match, we’ll make it official with your doctor’s approval. 

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Fertility Over 40

What You Need to Know About Getting Pregnant In Your 40s

If you are over 40 and trying to grow your family, you may be wondering what path gives you the best chance for success. We're diving into the data around your possible paths to pregnancy.

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If you are over 40 and trying to grow your family, you may be wondering what path gives you the best chance for success. You are not alone! In fact, births among women ages 40-44 have been rising since the early 1980s, even as the overall U.S. birth rate fell to a record low. This is partly due to more people putting off parenthood for a variety of reasons, plus better access to assisted reproductive technology like IVF and egg donation.

It is absolutely possible to get pregnant and carry a healthy pregnancy in your 40s — let’s dive into the data around your possible paths to pregnancy.

Getting pregnant naturally over 40

While getting pregnant naturally over 40 tends to surprise people, it’s totally possible. Researchers found that for women 40-45, the crude probability of getting pregnant after trying (“naturally”) for a year was 55.5%. This compares to nearly 80% for women ages 25–27. However, it’s important to note that chances of miscarriage go up significantly. For women 40-45, one study found the chance of miscarriage is about 33.3% and goes up to 57% for women over 45.

But some people don’t want to wait a year to see if they are part of the lucky 55% who get pregnant, or they want to reduce their chances of miscarriage. If this is the case, read on to see the chances of pregnancy with fertility treatments over 40.   

Getting pregnant with IUI over 40

Let’s look at the data from 2,262 patients pursuing IUI, or intrauterine insemination. IUI is often used because it’s relatively inexpensive (at least compared to IVF), and quick. For the women aged 40-41, the chances of pregnancy per cycle were 9%. That number dropped to 6% for women 42-43, and to 3.5% for women over 43. 

The odds of IUI working at any age aren’t great. And it still doesn’t solve for the increased chance of miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities. That’s why some families turn to IVF.

Getting pregnant with IVF over 40

What are the chances of getting pregnant with IVF over 40? Age is one of the biggest factors in the ability to get pregnant. And even with IVF, the chances of success with our own eggs declines as we reach our 40s. The great part about IVF is that you can find out if an embryo is genetically normal (and thus less likely to miscarry) before you attempt a transfer. This can save time and heartache. 

Data from the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology shows the following chances of a live singleton birth using your own eggs via IVF:

  • 38.3% for women 35-37
  • 25.1% for women age 38-40
  • 12.7% for women age 41-42
  • 4.1% for women over 42
 It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant.

It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger eggs. But how do you get younger eggs? For some lucky women, they can use eggs they froze years ago. But for most of us, getting younger eggs means turning to egg donation. And that brings us to our final section: getting pregnant with donor eggs. 

Getting pregnant with donor eggs over 40

IVF can be thought of in three parts. First, there’s retrieving the eggs. Second, there’s fertilizing the eggs to make embryos. And third, a healthy embryo is transferred to the uterus to begin a pregnancy. When you use donor eggs during IVF, everything is the same except it’s the egg donor who undergoes the egg retrieval in the first part.   

Many women in their 40s still carry the pregnancy, even when using donor eggs. Although some need to use a gestational carrier for a variety of reasons. 

The good news is this: studies show that your chances of success using donor eggs does not diminish in your 40s. You read that right! Using donor eggs can greatly increase your chances of a successful and healthy baby well into your 40s.  

How many tries does it take to get pregnant with donor eggs?

For many people beginning the journey to use donor eggs, you may have already tried unsuccessfully with your own eggs and are eager to get pregnant as quickly as possible. Well here’s the good news: it is estimated that the probability of success reaches roughly 90% after three embryo transfers. This of course varies patient to patient, and your doctor should be able to give you a better idea of your chances based on your medical history. 

Can I use donor eggs over 50?

In a study of women who became pregnant from egg donation, researchers at Columbia University found that women over age 50 do not appear to face any greater risk than those under 43. That doesn’t mean there’s no risk in pregnancy over 50, and anyone in this age group should undergo thorough medical screening before attempting pregnancy to ensure the best possible outcome.

If you are pursuing donor eggs, we’d love to help. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Sign up for a free account today. 

Read more: 

  • I'm Over 40 and Considering IVF: How Do I Prepare For The Journey Ahead?
  • How Does Donor Egg IVF Work?
  • Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?
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Parenting

Family-Building Resources for All

Families come in many forms and everyone’s path to parenthood is unique. We’ve compiled a below list of resources that we hope will help you navigate any challenges when it comes to starting a family.

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Families come in many forms and everyone’s path to parenthood is unique. No matter those differences, anyone striving to build a family should have equal access to resources on their journey. We’ve compiled the below list of resources that we hope will help you navigate any challenges when it comes to starting a family.

LGBTQ+ family-building resources

  • The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation was written by Dr. Saira Jhutty, and discusses the process of using donor eggs to build a family.
  • Connecting Rainbows is a resource for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are building their families. They're particularly knowledgeable on the topic of second-parent adoption.
  • Family Equality is the leading national nonprofit organization advancing equality for LGBTQ+ families.
  • Gay Parent Magazine: Gay Parent features personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents about their experiences with international and domestic adoption, foster care, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children.
  • Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual and Transgender (PFLAG): PFLAG is devoted to educating and supporting everyone involved in the life of a sexual minority individual. There are local chapters all over the United States
  • Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit dedicated to providing gay men with educational and financial support to achieve parenthood.
  • The National Center for Lesbian Rights works to ensure that LGBTQ+ parents and their children are fully recognized as families under the law, including low-income parents using low-cost assisted reproduction, both married and unmarried parents, families with more than two parents, adoptive parents, and parents conceiving using surrogacy.  
  • Resolve vigilantly tracks state and federal legislation pertinent to LGBTQ+ family building across the United States, and works to support positive family building bills and to stop harmful legislation from being enacted. You can view the legislation they’re working on here. 
  • Trans Fertility Co. was created by trans community members to make the world of fertility easier to understand and navigate.
  • Fertility Within Reach has resources to support transgender youth and their families with fertility preservation support.
  • Gay Parents To Be is an informational resource and a starting point for LGBTQ parenting.

Family-building resources for BIPOC women 

  • BMMA (Black Mamas Matter Alliance) is a Black women-led cross-sectoral alliance. with resources covering a broad spectrum of maternal health issues and advocacy tools.
  • Black Women and Infertility is an organization based in Boston that provides online support for Black women experiencing infertility.
  • The Broken Brown Egg provides support and resources for people in the Black community experiencing infertility.
  • Fertility for Colored Girls provides education, encouragement, and support to Black women and other women of color experiencing infertility and seeking to grow their families. They aim to empower Black women to take charge of their fertility and reproductive health, and provide grants to help ease the financial burden of fertility treatments or domestic adoption.
  • The Infertilidad Latina Podcast is a space for women to listen and share stories about their infertility and IVF experiences.
  • The Infertility and Me podcast is a Black woman-hosted show covering reproductive justice, pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and infertility.
  • Moms in the Making have infertility support groups in Spanish.
  • The Resilient Sisterhood Project’s mission is to educate and empower women of African descent regarding common yet rarely discussed diseases of the reproductive system that disproportionately affect them.
  • This article discusses why infertility isn’t discussed enough in Latinx communities.
  • This article discusses overcoming stigma in the Asian American community

Religious family-building resources

  • The Jewish Fertility Foundation is a resource for members of the Jewish community to seek support for infertility. Part of their work includes destigmatizing infertility within the Jewish community and educating community leaders on how to support those with infertility.
  • Resolve has resources regarding the intersection of infertility and religion for community leaders, as well as links to support groups for those of Islamic, Jewish, Christian, or Catholic faith. This can serve as a good starting point for conversations about religion and infertility.
  • This article from MuslimGirl.com shares the experience of infertility for Muslim women.
  • Catholic Mom is an infertility support group for Catholic families.
  • ATime provides guidance and support for Jewish families facing infertility. In addition to having therapists, they have a 24-hour helpline. 
  • Uprooted’s work allows those struggling to turn toward the Jewish community as they navigate their fertility journey, to break through feelings of isolation and shame, and to connect with others traversing the same path. 
  • Amal Fertility is a Mississauga-based support group for Muslim women struggling with infertility.
  • Hasidah offers peer support as well as financial aid for those seeking to build Jewish families.
  • Stardust Jewish Fertility Foundation is a nonprofit that offers grant opportunities from $1K - $25K to Jewish singles of couples, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status.
  • Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Greater Philadelphia (JFCS) provides grants to Jewish families living in the Philadelphia area facing infertility.

Military and veteran family-building resources

  • Resolve has a list of affordable infertility treatment options for military personnel.
  • Bob Woodruff Foundation provides up to $5,000 funding to veterans eligible for the BWF Veterans In Vitro InitiAtive (VIVA) Fund. 
  • Read the Tricare white paper on why expanding service members’ access to infertility treatment is easy, affordable, and the right thing to do.
  • The Military Family Building Coalition is a non-profit organization to support military members in building their families through ART, IVF and Adoption.

Cancer-survivor family-building resources

  • The Alliance for Fertility Preservation is a 501c3 made up of a team of professionals who advance the field of fertility preservation for cancer patients.
  • The Expect Miracles Foundation provides grants for cancer patients for family building (adoption, fertility storage, IVF, & surrogacy).
  • The Banking on the Future grant is available to adolescent oncology patients through the age of 21.
  • Team Maggie provides financial assistance to teens and young adults with cancer seeking fertility preservation. 
  • Duke has a monthly support group for women facing fertility concerns due to cancer.

Resources for all

  • Resolve is the largest and most well-respected infertility non-profit offering advocacy, support, and education for anyone facing infertility.
  • The Starfish Fertility Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit group committed to providing financial support for those struggling with infertility in the United States.
  • The Gift of Parenthood provides grants that can be used to cover any expenses associated with assisted reproduction including egg donation.
  • Baby Quest makes grants for family building ranging from $2,000 - $15,000 plus medications. 
  • Ferring Pharmaceuticals Heart Beat Program provides select fertility medications at no cost to female patients with a cancer diagnosis.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Egg sharing

What is Egg Sharing?

Curious about egg sharing? We break it down for you here.

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Egg sharing programs exist worldwide to help make fertility care more accessible. Egg sharing generally describes when a woman undergoes an egg retrieval, and the resulting eggs are used by more than one person or family. In some programs, two families needing an egg donor will share the cost of one donor egg retrieval. In other programs, women will donate their eggs to pay for IVF.

In Cofertility’s Split program, women can freeze their eggs for free when they donate half of the retrieved eggs to a family who can’t otherwise conceive. Families pursuing egg donation to build their family can match with an egg donor on our Family by Co platform.

Egg sharing programs in your area

We work with families and egg donors around the world! Cofertility is unique in that we are clinic-agnostic, as long as the clinic reports outcomes to SART and has a CAP certified lab. Some clinics have specific requirements related to working with outside donors and have policies in place for how they handle those cases. If you already have a clinic in mind, reach out to our team and we can send a list of questions that we recommend you ask them before getting started. 

Benefits of egg sharing

We stand for reproductive choice. And egg freezing is just that — a choice that a woman makes over her own body and future. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) states that egg freezing “promotes social justice by reducing the obstacles women currently face because their reproductive window is smaller than men's.” We couldn’t agree more, and we’re proud to do our part to lessen constraints placed on women by offering more accessible egg freezing options.

The benefits for egg sharers (or who we call Split Members) include:

  • Freeze and store your eggs for 10 years, entirely for free 
  • Connect with others going through the process in our private online community
  • The opportunity to make someone’s family building dreams a reality

Building your family through a shared egg donor program 

There are many reasons you may be looking for an egg donor to help build your family. Cofertility’s unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Shared vs. one-on-one egg donation

Shared egg donation (when the egg donor gets to keep half of the eggs retrieved for her own personal use) is a wonderful way to build your family while supporting the reproductive options of the donor. A 2003 UK study of egg sharing amongst IVF patients found that participating in an egg sharing program did not compromise the chance of achieving a pregnancy or live birth for the egg sharer or the recipient.

The concept of egg sharing is not new, but we are excited to scale this amazing offering to women and families around the globe in a new way.  At Cofertility, we’re reshaping fertility preservation and third-party reproduction so it’s more accessible, human, and community-driven, recognizing that the way we build families is more dynamic than ever and that everyone deserves a great experience. If we can help you on your journey, please reach out.

Interested in freezing and donating half your eggs to a family that can’t otherwise conceive? Check out our Freeze by Co program.

Interested in building your family through egg donation? Check out our Family by Co platform.

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Donor eggs

Disclosed vs. Undisclosed Donation: What's the Difference?

If you’re hoping to grow your family through egg donation, we'll break down the type of relationship that you — and any donor-conceived children — will have with your donor through a disclosed or undisclosed match.

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If you’re hoping to grow your family through egg donation, you may have started to consider the type of relationship that you — and any donor-conceived children — will have with your donor.  We want to help you understand the difference between a disclosed and undisclosed match so that you can ultimately make a decision that’s best for you and your family. 

Defining disclosed and undisclosed matches

In a disclosed relationship, you exchange contact information and can communicate directly. The scope and degree of communication (both during and post-match) is what both parties make of it. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).

In an undisclosed relationship, you do not exchange contact information and only communicate through Cofertility. 

Regardless of the relationship post-birth, if both parties are interested, we can facilitate a phone or video meeting between you and the donor during the matching period. This can be done with or without sharing contact information. 

What do these relationships entail? 

Although we provide these relationship categories, every relationship is unique and depends on the desires of all parties involved: you, the donor, and any future donor-conceived children. Truly, your relationship options range on a broad spectrum that can be determined in your legal agreement with the donor. 

For instance, in a disclosed relationship, you may decide to share an annual holiday card with your donor, communicate around milestone events, from first steps to graduations, or even facilitate direct communication between the donor and any donor-conceived children. On the other end of the spectrum, you may also decide to keep direct communication to a minimum, but keep the lines open if a need or issue arises. 

While an undisclosed relationship may not have any direct communication, you may still communicate through Cofertility and do things like share a photo of the baby when s/he is born, communicate meaningful updates such as first words, or ask about medical questions if they arise.

Also, if new information comes up about the donor’s own medical history, we ask her to let us know so that any relevant information can be shared with your family. This is the case regardless of the relationship you maintain. 

Who decides on the disclosure status? 

When a woman applies to our Split program, she indicates the types of relationships she may be open to. Her preferred status will then be made visible on our platform so that you can match with a donor whose desires are in line with your own. We find that a lot of donors are open to a wide range of options and then determine the specifics after getting to know you and your family. 

How should I weigh the pros and cons? 

At Cofertility, we want to honor the perspectives of all parties involved in the family-building process. This includes intended parents, donors, and especially any future donor-conceived children. While the fertility industry has historically relied on secrecy and anonymity, more research shows the benefits of being open with children about their donor-conceived roots and any available donor characteristics. As such, we encourage you to be open with your own children about their conception story. 

Also, as noted in Our stance, in a world of ubiquitous genetic testing, no gamete donation can be guaranteed to be anonymous. We work with everyone involved to build a relationship that feels right for them, and we encourage both donors and intended parents to consider the donor-conceived child’s best interest.

Birth via donor conception shapes the donor conceived child’s identity. And as your children grow up, they may want to reach out to their donor with their own questions. This is something that we make our Split members aware of. We are also upfront with donors about the fact that it’s now impossible to guarantee anonymity in egg donation. With widely available genetic tests and more state laws giving donor-conceived children access to information about their donors, it’s increasingly likely that a donor’s identity and shared genetics can be discovered. 

If you have concerns about how any future children’s relationship with their donor will affect you, rest assured that you are not alone. But most importantly, remember that you will always be their parents and they will always know that you brought them into this world and raised them with love. 

What’s next? 

If this is sounding like a lot to decide, we’re here to help you parse through what communication options feel right for you at this point in time. If you have any questions or want to talk through your personal situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out. 

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Parenting

Nine Tips For Raising A Donor Conceived Child

Every family has a story about how their child came into their lives. A child born via egg donation is no different, but there are a few things we think you should know.

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Every family has a story about how their child came into their lives, whether it be a story of adoption, foster care, natural conception, surprise conception, or via assisted reproduction. A child born via egg donation is no different than any other child. Your story is really no different than any other family, but there are a few things we think you should know about raising a donor concieved child.

1. It’s best to be truthful with your child. 

You may be asking yourself if you should tell your child how they were conceived? And if so, when and how? Remember, this is your family story and your child. You get to tell them how they were conceived and you also get to choose when to tell them. But telling them is the key phrase. Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived and talk to them about their conception as early as possible. Telling your child early on helps normalize it for both you and your child. By being honest and telling your child how they were conceived, you are building the foundation of trust. And trust is one of the most important facets of a parent-child relationship. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

2. Don’t wait to normalize their conception story

When should I tell my child? As soon as they are born. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were born. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. Early on you may find yourself stumbling over your words. That is okay, soon enough you will craft the perfect bedtime story. By the time they are old enough to fully understand, they will have already heard the words egg donation and IVF. In other words, to them, these are things that are just a part of their life story. 

What should you tell them? The truth. You wanted a family, but due to medical or biological reasons, you were unable to do so yourself. You were not going to ever give up your dream of having a family, so with the help of a very giving woman, caring doctors and the advancement of medicine, you were able to piece together the building blocks of life. In the beginning keep it simple and use words you know your child will understand. As they get older and their questions and understanding changes, you can start to give more details. 

3. Start with a baby book 

Aside from telling them verbally, another great way is to start a baby book. In your baby book, include a letter written to your child about why you chose this path to parenthood. Keep it simple. Let them know how much you longed to be their parent and how much you loved them before they were even born. Include this letter in your book along with information about their donor, the IVF clinic, your doctor, agency,  etc. The rest of the book will look like any other baby book, full of milestones and sweet memories.  

4. Your child may have questions, and that’s okay 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any confusion or shame. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation.

5. It’s best to tell your family too 

If you have already told or are planning on telling your child about their conception, then it only makes sense that others close to you know as well. By not being open with others or telling your child to keep their birth story a secret, only makes them feel that their conception was shameful or wrong in some way. There is no shame or embarrassment about how your family came to be. You should be proud that you moved mountains to have your baby.  It was your love and deep longing for this child that made you a family. Furthermore, educating others around you about egg donation can help normalize the process even more. Ensure you and your partner are on the same page regarding disclosure to family and friends. Come up with strategies on how, when,  and what you will disclose. So, when Aunt Susy asks “whose side of the family did that red curly hair come from?” you and your partner will know what to say.

6. Transitioning to parenthood

According to Glainsky1 there are six stages of parenthood. The first one is image-making. This stage is particularly important for raising a donor conceived child. In this stage, it is important for parents to let go of their identity as an infertile person. This includes old thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and incompetency. Letting go of relationships with doctors and nurses, throwing out old medications, or deleting fertility webpages, can be difficult because these things have been a part of your identity for so long. Replacing your “old identity” with parenting classes and books, play dates, and even changing out their pristine white furniture,  can be ways to make space for your  new identity as a parent. 

7. Ways to bond with your child

Parents sometimes ask if there is anything they can do to increase their  bond with their child. Regular skin-to-skin contact, baby massage after bath time, and consistent bedtime rituals can help with bonding. Bonding also naturally occurs during feedings, whether chest or bottle feeding. Playing, talking, reading, making eye contact, and singing to baby are all ways to bond.  

8. Being overprotective

Some parents may find themselves being overly protective of their child. They may become excessively involved or not allow independence.  Others may find it difficult to discipline their donor conceived child out of fear of damaging their relationship. Every family has rules and boundaries set by their culture or own upbringing. Having a donor conceived child does not change how you enforce those rules or boundaries, or how you foster independence or emotional growth. Learning to manage your own feelings and expectations is an important skill to master as a parent. Joining parenting groups or utilizing the assistance of a therapist can be beneficial.  

9. Trust your instincts

Parenting is hard. No matter how your child came to be, there will be moments of insecurity and fear that you are “doing it wrong.” All parents at some point or another feel this way. But just because your child was born via IVF or egg donation does not mean that this isn’t your child or that you need to do anything different than what you are already doing.  You know what is best for your child. You are the best parent this child could ever have. Trust your instincts. Love your child and give yourself the grace that you deserve. You got this.

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References

  1. Galinsky E. Between Generations: The Six Stages of Parenthood. New York Tmes Books, 1981.
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Donor eggs

Building Your Family Through Egg Donation After Infertility: Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster

If you’re a hopeful parent beginning your journey to family building through egg donation, this guide is for you.

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If you’re a hopeful parent beginning your journey to family building through egg donation, this guide is for you. I am a Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years working with families just like yours — here’s everything I want you to know about how to work through the process. 

Turning to donor eggs 

After trying for what feels like a lifetime of treatments, listening to well-meaning but unhelpful advice, and countless negative pregnancy tests, your doctor gives you the news that using your own eggs is no longer an option. Donor eggs, your doctor says, will significantly increase your chances of having a child. You are told that this is not only practical but also the only real viable solution. 

Although intellectually you understand, emotionally it may be gut wrenching to hear and something you are not ready to accept. Maybe you mull over the idea of changing clinics or asking your doctor for a more aggressive medical protocol. You are ready to do and try anything. How can this be happening? You look around and see all your friends and family easily having babies. You retreat inwards and start to feel completely alone. 

You are not alone

The first egg donor pregnancy was delivered in Australia in 1984. Since then, approximately 3400 frozen donor eggs are used to have a family. Although egg donation was first intended for women with primary ovarian insufficiency, it is now used for a variety of medical and non-medical reasons such as men without a female partner.

It can be surprising to learn how many people have problems with conception. One out of every eight heterosex couples has problems conceiving or carrying a child to term. Even though egg and sperm donation and surrogacy are becoming more mainstream topics, many couples are still not open about their troubles. There can be a feeling that you are the only one which can create feelings of embarrasement, failure or shame. 

This journey is not easy and having a strong social support system is very important to help create resiliency. Lean on friends and family. Find others also on this journey — through  our community or your clinic. Learning you are not alone can give a  sense of peace and camaraderie in sharing your experience.  

Educate yourself

Before making any type of decision, the first step is to educate yourself. Take the time to learn about egg donation. Our “Learn” section is a great place to check out factual information regarding the science and history of egg donation. Being armed with solid and accurate information will help you be more confident and comfortable when making decisions. 

Give yourself space to grieve the loss of not having a biological child

Learning that you need to turn to egg donation to conceive your family can create feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and possibly even shame. You may feel a deep sense of grief over not having a genetically linked child.  Even though the child was never physically there, it is the loss of that dream that can create an anguish that only those on this journey can truly understand. 

After learning that you may not have a biological child of your own, you may walk through different stages of grief, such as the ones listed below (proposed by British Psychologist John Bowlby.) How might this grief look or feel? 

  1. Shock-numbness
    During this first phase of grief, the idea of not being able to have a biological child does not feel real and seems impossible to accept. This stage may feel especially difficult for those who have worked hard their entire lives and have always set and met their goals. This loss can send shock waves through the body which can even result in somatic symptoms, such as physical pain or fatigue.

  2. Yearning-searching
    In this second stage, you begin to acknowledge the significance of this loss and realize that the future you once imagined is no longer a possibility. You may turn to unhealthy outlets to try and fill this void and you may become preoccupied by feelings of emptiness.

  3. Disorganization-despair
    In this stage, you accept the fact that a biological child is not possible and things will not be the way you imagined.  You might now feel a sense of hopelessness and despair. There may be anger, questioning and withdrawal from others. You may find yourself avoiding friends with children, birthday parties or family events. 

  4. Reorganization and recovery
    In this phase, you start to realize that your longing for a child is stronger than your desire for them to be biologically related to you. You start setting new plans on how to grow your family.

Some things you can do to help you during these stages of grief include:

  • Write in a journal to process your thoughts and feelings
  • Join a grief / loss group 
  • Write a letter to your child and include all the hopes and dreams you had for them, and then let the letter go
  • Lean on family and friends
  • Speak with a therapist
  • Learn relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, meditation and yoga.

You may find yourself cycling back and forth during the different stages and in different orders. Just remember, you need space to express your feelings and time to process this loss. Avoidance and distraction can only be helpful for so long. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Give yourself permission to move forward at your own pace.

Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are

Although you may not be genetically linked, you may still have the option of carrying your child, chest-feeding your child, cutting the umbilical cord, or having skin-to-skin the moment they arrive. Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are. All human beings are 99.9 percent identical in their genetic makeup and nurture plays an enormous role in who we become and who we bond with. 

To help you psychologically come to terms with building your family through egg donation, seeing a piece of yourself in your donor can alleviate some anxieties. So you may decide to work with a donor who had an upbringing similar to yours, someone with similar appearance, hobbies, interests, education, culture, or religion. 

If you have any worries about attachment or bonding to your baby conceived through the use of donor eggs, know this: I have worked with thousands of families and not one of them regretted their decision. Once you hold your baby in your arms, you will not only see the love in those eyes, you will feel the love in every part of your being. Any idea that they are not yours, forever disappears. Family is based on relationships you create and develop and not solely on your DNA.  

Supporting your donor-conceived child 

Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived as early as possible. Telling your child early on about their conception story helps normalize it for your child. Start early. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were conceived. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. The more comfortable and confident you become in your role as a parent, the more you will impart these feelings to your child. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

How to help your child when they get curious 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any shame or confusion. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation. 

In summary 

The despair that comes from learning that you are not able to conceive your own biological child can forever change the story of your life. However, it does not mean the end of your story. With egg donation being just one chapter, Family by Co can work with you to keep your dream of having a family alive. 

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IVF and donor egg costs

Fertility Insurance Mandates: How Does My State Stack Up?

For anyone even considering fertility testing or treatment, it’s good to know just what’s up in your state.

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Many states require insurance companies to cover part, or all, of fertility care expenses. But this can be very tedious to sift through, and it varies by locale. For anyone even considering fertility testing or treatment, it’s good to know just what’s up in your state. 

Can you expect some help on the testing front? What about in vitro fertilization (IVF), are there any mandates for coverage here? So with no further adieu, here’s what you can expect in terms of your state’s fertility insurance:

Alabama

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Alaska

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Arizona

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Arkansas

With Arkansas fertility insurance, you do have some benefits, albeit limited. If you have an individual or group policy that includes maternity benefits, IVF must also be covered, as well as cryopreservation. 

But, there is a lifetime cap of just $15,000 here. You also can’t just move right to IVF. First, you must try a less costly fertility approach such as undergoing an intrauterine insemination (IUI). Also, HMO’s and employers who self-insure are exempt.

California

California fertility insurance looks promising, but may be far less helpful than meets the eye. You will only receive coverage here if your employer decides they want to provide fertility coverage as part of their benefits package.

Fact is, here insurance companies only have to offer infertility coverage. It’s then up to employers to decide whether they want to include fertility treatment coverage for employees or not. 

Colorado

Thanks to some new legislation, as of January 1, 2023. Colorado fertility insurance now offers eligibility for three egg retrievals with unlimited embryo transfers covered. This is true provided that your insurance coverage is from a large group of 100 or more people. 

Those with individual or small group plans will unfortunately not have access to this coverage. Also, religious organizations, even large ones, are not required to provide fertility coverage.

Connecticut

With Connecticut fertility insurance, diagnosis and treatment of medically necessary infertility expenses must be covered. You may be entitled to up to two cycles of IVF, zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT), or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT), up to four cycles of ovulation induction and up to three cycles of intrauterine insemination.

But, only those who have had coverage under the policy for at least one year will be eligible. Also, if your employer self-insures, they do not have to provide this coverage, or, if they are a religious organization, this is also not mandated.

Delaware

Delaware fertility insurance offers an array of services that includes IVF with eggs, sperm, or embryos from a donor, and even allows for a surrogate or gestational carrier. You are even entitled to six egg retrievals with unlimited embryo transfers. 

But there is a hitch. This coverage is restricted to those with fertility issues as a result of a medical treatment such as chemotherapy, surgery, or radiation. Also, any egg retrieval must be done before age 45 and any embryos transferred before age 50. 

Florida

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Georgia

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Hawaii

While you can get some Hawaiian fertility insurance coverage that may be beneficial, it’s limited. You’re entitled to one and only one IVF cycle. That’s for those with a minimum of a five-year history of issues such as endometriosis, blocked or removed fallopian tubes, DES exposure, or male infertility factors.

You also can’t move on to IVF until you’ve tried other covered fertility treatment first. So, if you are eligible, you truly don’t want to give away your shot…

Idaho

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Illinois

With Illinois fertility insurance coverage, provided you have tried lower-cost treatments under your insurance umbrella first without success, you do have coverage for IVF, GIFT, and ZIFT. What’s more, you get four bites at the apple and if you are successful and a live birth occurs, you’re actually entitled to two more covered egg retrievals.

But this only applies to work-related group policies that cover more than 25 full-time employees. There is, however, some additional good news. As of January 1, 2022, this fertility protection extends to same-sex couples and single-women over age 35 who have a medical issue keeping them from getting pregnant.

Indiana

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Iowa

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Kansas

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Kentucky

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Louisiana

The Louisiana fertility insurance law provides a fig leaf of coverage. You are only eligible here for diagnosis and treatment if your fertility issues are the result of a correctable medical condition. Even that has exceptions. There is no requirement to cover fertility medication or to offer IVF or even other fertility treatment. Also, if you or your partner have undergone a tubal ligation or vasectomy, any reversal here is on you.

If your employer self-insures, then even if you would be eligible otherwise, there’s no requirement that you be covered.

Maine

While this state doesn’t have any coverage at the moment, a Maine fertility insurance law will kick in beginning January 1, 2024. Then, fertility patients who have health plans here will be entitled to fertility diagnostic care, treatment and fertility preservation services. 

Coverage is expected to include both individuals and couples battling infertility, those who carry a heightened risk of transmitting a severe genetic disorder to an offspring with natural conception, and those who don’t have the needed reproductive cells to conceive. This coverage will exclude anything experimental or any non-medical related cost.

Maryland

With Maryland fertility insurance, you are golden. This insurance offers coverages not only to traditional heterosexual couples, but also same sex couples and unmarried patients. Those who qualify are entitled to undergo three IVF rounds for every live birth. There is, however, a $100,000 lifetime cap here.

But, this coverage is not a requirement for religious employers, those with fewer than 50 employees, or those employers who self insure.

Massachusetts

Massachusetts fertility insurance stipulates that insurers that provide pregnancy-related benefits are also expected to offer coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility. This means access to artificial insemination procedures such as IVF and GIFT. It may also include procurement of eggs or sperm, processing and banking for fertilized eggs and sperm. 

There’s also no state lifetime cap on the amount of fertility insurance available and no limit on the number cycles. But, insurers are able to use their clinical guidelines and patient’s medical histories to set some limits here. 

Michigan

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Minnesota

Not only is there no Minnesota fertility insurance, but also there’s a law prohibiting coverage for meds specifically used to enhance fertility. Talk about kicking those already down… 

Mississippi

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Missouri

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Montana

Montana fertility insurance offers some vague help as long as you get your insurance through an HMO. But unfortunately, there’s no definition of infertility that’s given in the law and no description of the type of services that need to be covered. So, it appears to pay only lip service here. Anyone with non-HMO insurance has absolutely no coverage.

Nebraska

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Nevada

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

New Hampshire

If you have a group policy that offers benefits for medical or hospital expenses, the New Hampshire fertility insurance mandate provides for medically necessary fertility treatment. This includes coverage for evaluations, laboratory testing, and medication. If fertility preservation is needed, such as if you must undergo chemotherapy or radiation treatment, coverage includes both procurement and cryopreservation of reproductive materials such as eggs, sperm, and embryos, and may even include storage for a time.

But experimental infertility procedures are not included. Also, anyone covered through the Small Business Health Options Program (SHOP) or have an Extended Transition to Affordable Care Act-Compliant Policy funded by the state, is not eligible here. 

New Jersey

With New Jersey fertility insurance, as long as you are under the age of 46 and have a group policy that includes at least 50 people, with pregnancy-related benefits, you are potentially eligible for a variety of infertility treatments. This includes a menu of items such as up to four IVF cycles with ICSI, GIFT, or ZIFT, as well as use of donor eggs and even the potential to use a gestational carrier or surrogate. 

But except in cases where the patient must undergo treatment that puts fertility at risk, such as chemotherapy, cryopreservation is not covered.

Also, there are some exceptions to which insurers must follow the mandate – neither religious employers or those who self-insure are required to provide this coverage.

New Mexico

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

New York

As part of a new law enacted in 2020, New York fertility insurance offers those who have large group insurance plans of 100 or more, up to three IVF cycles. Also, those that include prescription drug coverage must provide medication for the diagnosis and treatment of infertility. 

What’s more, it’s now necessary to cover egg freezing for all private insurance companies in medically necessary cases. So, you are eligible if you have a condition such as sickle cell anemia, are undergoing chemotherapy, or are undergoing sex-reassignment surgery. 

Those who self-insure are exempt here.

North Carolina

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

North Dakota

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Ohio

Ohio fertility insurance must be covered in cases where this is medically necessary, by HMO’s that offer “basic health services.” But don’t count on coverage for IVF, GIFT, or ZIFT. None of these are legally required. 

What you may be covered for includes diagnostic procedures to detect fertility issues, or surgical treatments to correct issues with the reproductive organs such as endometriosis or issues with the fallopian tubes.

Oklahoma

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Oregon

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Pennsylvania

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Rhode Island

The Rhode Island fertility coverage is mandated for all of those with an HMO or other insurance policy that includes pregnancy coverage. Beginning at age 25 and extending up to age 42, women here with such a plan are entitled to coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility. 

Also, if someone is undergoing a procedure that may result in infertility, insurers must cover fertility preservation treatment. There is, however, a $100,000 lifetime treatment cap. 

South Carolina

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

South Dakota

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Tennessee

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Texas

With Texas fertility coverage, although insurance companies must provide this as an option, there is no mandate that any group is required to actually offer this as part of their health plan. In instances where such coverage is offered, it only pertains to those who can show that they’ve been infertile for at least 5 years or who have a medical issue such as endometriosis, tubal blockage or removal, or DES exposure. 

Also, IVF won’t even be considered until less costly measures, like IUI, have been tried. 

Utah

Utah’s fertility coverage involves a pilot program through 2024. This targets those who are on a Public Employee Health Plan. Here, if you have a maternity benefit, then you must likewise be able to receive $4,000 toward a “qualified reproductive technology cycle.” With this, just a single embryo is transferred during a cycle using reproductive technology.   

This, however, is not a mandate. The aim of the program is to determine the efficacy of providing this kind of coverage. 

Vermont

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Virginia

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Washington

No fertility insurance. Currently out of luck.

West Virginia

The West Virginia fertility insurance mandate is low on details. While HMOs that offer basic health services are required to cover infertility, what “infertility” actually means here is not defined. All in all, this is way too vague – more clarity needed here.

Wisconsin

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Wyoming

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

When coverage is lacking

If you’re lucky enough to live in one of the 20 states that offers a fertility insurance mandate, that’s, of course, a big win. Still, as you can see, even these can leave you wanting. If your state doesn’t deliver on fertility coverage or if the coverage is, in a word, lacking here, reach out to Resolve: The National Fertility Organization to find out who to contact to lobby for improvements.

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Donor eggs

How Can I Come to Terms with Using Donor Eggs?

Considering IVF with donor eggs but concerned about safety? Read on for a step-by-step overview of the process and why it's so safe.

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For those who are deep into the nuances of their own fertility, the idea of needing donor eggs is something that may not come easily at first. This may have been something that you vaguely considered as an option. Now that it appears this will be your best route to parenthood, all kinds of emotions can surface.

But don’t let that deter you from moving forward with a fertility plan that may offer you a chance to build the family you’ve hoped for. Building your family via an egg donor can be an option that brings you greater chances of success in building the family of your dreams. Still, it doesn’t come without concerns, all of which are incredibly normal.

If you’ve been working to build your family through your own IVF cycles, you may have already faced grief and loss. For some people, the idea of increasing chances of success with donor eggs is a relief. But for others, it may take some getting used to.

Common concerns

All kinds of fears may be percolating. You might have questions like:

  • What if I can’t bond with the baby?
  • What if my child doesn’t look like me?
  • What if the child is mad when they find out?
  • What if my family rejects the donor-conceived child?
  • What if I just can’t forget that we aren’t genetically related?

Believe it or not, many successful parents of a donor-conceived child had to move through these same fears to get to a place where they felt comfortable claiming this route for themselves. So, while these fears may feel overwhelming and feel like you can’t possibly overcome them, nothing could be more untrue.

Strategies for gaining confidence

Begin by giving yourself credit for the journey you’ve already been on to put yourself in a position to have this child. Be proud of yourself for all the early mornings in traffic shots given, time in waiting rooms for bloodwork and ultrasounds, and, yes, for handling the expense of it all.

Think about it, many times children are conceived with virtually no thought. But you can one day tell your child about all the steps you took to get them to be a part of the family. How wanted and loved they were. I think of this as a story of loving a child so much that you would have done anything to bring them into the world.

If you’re worried about your child perhaps one day looking at you differently, the answer is to be transparent and open from the beginning (research shows normalizing the truth early on leads to better outcomes). If you speak to your child from the start about how they came from an egg given by a very generous woman and you and your partner weave it into your family narrative of how much you wanted this egg and how lucky you were to get it, this can help decrease any shame or stigma attached to it. Your child will always know where they came from and how wanted they were, and will look at you with that in mind.

Handling fears

But what about not being able to forget that this child doesn’t share your DNA? In my opinion, fears like this are not something to move past, they’re something to move through. It’s about living with this in whatever shape it takes. It's about coming to realize that love is boundless, as is the definition of family.

I have met with many families who have been built via egg donation. And all of them say the same thing. After the child is born and they begin their new life, they rarely think about it. All the worry melts away. The child is yours and you know that this exact family is the way things were meant to be.

Throughout your fertility journey, you’ve already had to continue to adjust your expectations about how this was going to go and how your family was going to look. This has not been easy and likely has taken a toll. This can be very draining. You need to be gentle with yourself and your partner. Show yourself some compassion and grace as you hold these feelings and process them. The idea is to get inside the feeling and move through it.

If a negative feeling comes up, allow yourself to have it. Give yourself permission to experience these feelings. Then, make space to safely indulge yourself in whatever way helps you to cope.

This may mean designing a ceremony such as lighting a candle or planting a garden to deal with your grief. You might think about writing a letter to the child you were unable to conceive and how hard you tried. The fact is, not being able to use your DNA can still feel like a loss. Some find this kind of approach very meaningful, however, it is not for everyone. If it feels somewhat forced to you, try something else.

Some look to the donors themselves for connection. They may point out how they also played the violin in middle school, or ran track, or even how they also had dark curly hair or were the same height.

Airing your worries

Talking is also an effective way to allow yourself to process feelings. This may mean talking honestly with your partner if you have one, a close friend, or a therapist. It’s all about having a safe space to discuss your feelings. .

For those who do choose to speak to a therapist, I would recommend trying to find somebody who specializes in the fertility or third party-reproduction space. There are many great general therapists who can help you with a wide variety of issues. But working with a specialist means you don’t have to spend time helping your therapist understand what you’re going through.

It can also be extremely helpful to talk with others who have either already been through the donor egg process or who are considering this like you. With having what may be conflicting emotions, being able to share your concerns with others who can relate can be invaluable. Don’t forget to check out our Instagram community to find others who are building their families through donor eggs.

Throughout it all, be gentle with yourself. Pick and choose the strategies that feel right to you in building a family this way. You may imagine yourself in 15 or 20 years telling someone else how happy you were with the family you built and the strategies that worked for you.

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