infertility

Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).

Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)

The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed. 

A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF. 

But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for? 

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What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?

How do I navigate making a decision?

You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child.  What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?

Give yourself permission to imagine different options

Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options. 

Speak to trusted members of your community.

Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different? 

If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings?  If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.  

Summing it up

Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all  tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith.  It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.

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According to The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists (ACOG), a woman's peak reproductive years are between her late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility starts to decline, and once a woman reaches her mid-30s, this decline starts to happen at a much faster rate. By the time she reaches 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is not very likely. 

Although the female ovarian reserve is the most crucial component of a couple’s per cycle fertility, the age of the male partner also has a significant impact on reproduction. Beyond the fact that older men tend to have older female partners, increasing male age is associated with increased time to conception. Of course, these are the general statistics – there are always outliers. 

But with more people delaying childbirth due to a myriad of reasons, and with more options such as egg donation, sperm donation, surrogacy, and IVF allowing people to become parents well past their peak reproductive years, many are wondering, am I just too old to be a parent? 

Am I too old to become a parent?

Just because medical technology is allowing people to become parents later in life, does it mean they should?  Is there an age where it is maybe too late to be a parent? The motivation for wanting to become a parent, regardless of age, is similar. The only difference is that one set has postponed parenting and will be entering parenthood at a later stage of life. This postponement can be due to many reasons. Personal, professional, financial, or medical reasons can all play a role as to why someone has postponed parenthood. 

But is there a cut off point? Should people in their 40s and beyond be more realistic about their ability to physically parent? And why, regardless of the potential negatives associated with being older parents, are so many still choosing to be parents after the age of 40? 

A 2009 Pew Research Center survey found that half of the 50-year-olds in their survey reported feeling 10 years younger than their actual age. This experience of feeling younger with the fact that people are living longer, paired with what we are shown in the media, there is no wonder that we feel that parenthood after 40 is the norm or is easily attainable. When in actuality, it is not the norm, and requires a lot of medical intervention. It is also no surprise that we overestimate our mortality and underestimate the difficulties of being an older parent and don’t spend enough time considering the potential negative impacts for both the parents and the children. 

Society definitely has thoughts and opinions on what is too old. Bowman and Saunders surveyed 44,000 people across 25 countries about ‘how old is too old to be a parent?’ 96% cited 41.7 for women and 90% cited 47.3 for men. Yet interestingly, the median age of U.S. women giving birth for the first time rose from 27 years to 30, the highest on record. It appears that decisions by college-educated women to invest in their education and careers, as well as the desire by working women to wait until they are more financially secure, has contributed to the shift toward older motherhood.

What are the advantages to being an older parent?

Some benefits that have been cited by older parents include: having established careers with financial security, and  flexibility with their time, emotional preparedness, committed relationships, and a positive overall family experience. 

One study found that children born to older men - men who had higher than average paternal age - are more likely to have a high IQ and are more likely to achieve educational success, which leads to a stronger socioeconomic status which can lead to a better quality of life.  Another study found that aging sperm might actually produce children with longer telomeres that protect DNA while being copied, which is linked to longevity for not one, but two generations of offspring. So your child and their child might live a longer life.  

Harvard scientist Ellen Langer, who studies how the mind influences the body, found that older first-time mothers are often healthier as they age than women who have their first children younger, perhaps because they are spending their time with younger women at playgrounds and preschools.  A 2016 University of Southern California study examined a group of over 800 women between the ages of 41 and 92. Researchers found that women who had their last baby after 35 had better cognition and verbal memory later in life than those who first became parents at a younger age. So there is a protective factor when it comes to mental acuity.  

A 2016 Danish study found that older mothers were more adept at setting boundaries with their kids, and were less likely to yell at and harshly punish them, leading to fewer behavioral, social, and emotional difficulties down the road. They also had less anxiety during pregnancy, had more stable relationships, and were in better shape financially.  Researchers studied 462 women and found that women who had their last child after 33 were more likely to live to 95. In fact, they have twice the chance to live to 95 or older than those who had their last child before their 30^th birthday.

What are the disadvantages of being an older parent?

‍With all these advantages, it is hard to imagine what could be so bad about becoming a parent later in life. Some disadvantages that have been cited by older parents include: the unexpected difficulty in conceiving that culminated in the use of IVF and resulted in a smaller family than desired, lack of energy for parenting, less available lifetime to spend with children, and anticipated stigma as older parents.

Sometimes feeling, looking, and acting young is not the same as being young. And sometimes age is more than just a number. Think about your energy levels in your 20s. Now compare that to your energy levels now - which may be one, two, or three decades later, chances are, it just isn’t the same. Because of this, older parents find it difficult to keep up with their younger children - who by the way - maybe four or five decades younger.  Let’s face it, as we age, we slow down, we get tired, and parenting becomes more difficult. 

Becoming a parent at an older age also means learning how to become more flexible and adaptable in thinking and behavior. And that can be especially difficult the older one is since you are probably set in your ways, have your routines, and like things to be a certain way. Your pristine home? Your morning pilates or your weekly happy hour with friends? That will all change. Things will be different. And for some, even though all they have ever wanted was to be a parent, these changes and disruptions in their everyday life can be an extreme source of stress and anguish.

If you are between the ages of 35 - 54, you are what is known as the sandwich generation. According to the American Psychological Association’s 2007 Stress in America survey, this group feels more stress than any other age group because they are sandwiched between caring for growing children and their aging parents. The survey reveals that nearly 40 percent of women in this group report extreme levels of stress. This stress takes a toll not only on personal relationships, but also on their own well-being as they struggle to take better care of themselves, their young children, and their aging parents. Adding a newborn into the mix only exacerbates the stress and makes everything so much more difficult. 

Impact on children

‍Morris and Yarrow published books about the experiences of children who were born to parents between the ages of 35 and 40. Both positive and negative themes emerged from the research. 

On the positive end, the now adults, stated that they felt that their parents were mature, were stable in their relationships, and in their finances, and were very patient with them as children. They loved and appreciated their parents, but did wish they could have been born to those same parents earlier. 

One of the biggest negative themes included an intense fear of losing their parents. This concern about losing parents can be backed by data. As discussed in Fertility Counseling, less than 5% of children will lose their fathers by the time they turn 15 if fathered by a 35-year old man, 10% of children fathered by a 45-year-old man will lose their father by the time they turn 15, and 20% of children fathered by a 55-year old will lose their father by the time they turn 15. These numbers only get higher and higher as parental age gets higher. 

Age is a main risk factor for disease. Once you reach a certain age, not only are you worried about your child's health, but your own health starts to become a focus as well. Anyone at any age can have health issues, but statistically, as we get older, there is an increased risk of medical problems. And if you become a parent later in life, your child may not have you around for as long as you both would want. You do take a greater risk of not being there for them and not seeing them through the different phases of their life. 

For the children of older parents another impact was the sense of loss in terms of not having the influence of grandparents in their lives. And for many, being only children brought about loneliness during childhood. Children of older parents were also more likely to become caretakers for their parents at a younger age and thus felt higher levels of responsibility compared to their peers.  

Is there an optimal age?

According to Live Science, University of California, San Francisco, researchers set out to establish an “optimal” age for parenting. Most respondents believed being an “older” parent was more advantageous than being a younger parent, mostly because they were more “emotionally prepared.” Parents of both genders in the study overwhelmingly said their 30s would’ve been the ideal parenting age. 

Is it ever too late to be a parent?

Age impacts fertility and our ability to conceive naturally. But medical technology has found a way to circumvent biology and as a result, people in their 40s and 50s and even beyond now have the ability to be parents. Although there are many positives for parenting at a later stage in life, there are also some challenges. Having a clear understanding of the involved risks and taking into consideration the impact on future children, can help make better informed decisions.