Fertility

Being told you can’t have a genetic child can be heartbreaking. At the same time, knowing that there is still a possibility of being a parent and caring for a child and growing your family with the help of a donor, can bring relief. Still, that grief needs to be honored and given space and time to heal before moving forward. 

Stages of grief

Elisabeth Kubler Ross came up with five stages of grief that a person moves through when they suffer a loss. Researchers have found that these stages can be generalized to losses across the board - such as the grief of infertility. The stages aren’t linear and people may find themselves moving in and out of the different phases at different times. Some stages last longer  than others and some stages can be skipped over. 

Denial

It makes sense that after the initial diagnosis of infertility, a person might not believe it. Especially if they feel healthy, are ‘young’ by conventional standards or have never been sick. They can be quick to assume it is a mistake or can be quick to jump into another cycle of treatments because denial is at play. Denial is a method of self-protection as it can be painful to admit that your life plan may go in a completely different direction than you had ever imagined. One way to move on from this stage is to give yourself permission to feel the pain and sorrow and to dig deep to understand what this diagnosis means to you and what you think it means about you. Many times we have distorted beliefs about what something like this means about us. 

Anger

Once you get that second, third, or fourth opinion… or once you can no longer endure the treatments, anger may erupt. Anger can come in many forms; anger at self, anger at partner, doctor, or even random pregnant strangers. Sometimes this anger drives away those who can actually help and provide that very important emotional support. 

Bargaining

Anger is typically replaced by bargaining or what is sometimes called “magical thinking.” Meaning, a person in this stage might think that perhaps by dramatically changing their lifestyle, their doctor, their medical protocol, anything - with the hope that the changes will somehow have an impact and change the result of their diagnosis. 

Depression

Hiding from the world, lethargy, hopelessness, and intense sorrow describe this stage. It is important to note if this mood lasts most of the day, nearly every day for two or more weeks with a diminished interest in activities along with:

• Significant weight loss, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite 
• Fatigue or loss of energy 
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt 
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, 
• Recurrent thoughts of death

Then it is time to speak to your doctor. 

Acceptance

There comes a point during this time that your heart beat slows down, that pit in your stomach goes away and you feel as though you can breathe again. Whether you decide to adopt, use a donor or be child free, something inside finally says, “I am okay.” When this acceptance occurs, doors open, and options become available.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings

It is okay to not be okay. It's important to acknowledge and accept your feelings of loss, sadness, anger, or any other emotions you may be experiencing. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and understand that it's okay to grieve.

Seek support

You don't have to go through this alone. Seek support from family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. There are many online communities and support groups for people who are facing similar challenges.

Focus on self-care

Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Give your mind and body its best chance to heal by engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, exercise, and eating healthy.

Find meaning and purpose

Focus on finding meaning and purpose in your life beyond having a genetic child. This can include volunteering, pursuing a career, or cultivating relationships with friends and family.

Explore other options

Although you may not be able to have a genetic child, there are other options available such as donor eggs. Sometimes processing means moving forward with Plan B. 

Does it matter if my child is not genetically related to me?

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born naturally, through surrogacy or donation. 

Does the pain of infertility ever go away?

It doesn’t ever completely go away but you learn how to manage it and not let it impact your daily life. You learn that grief is part of the human experience. Everyone at some point or another will go through some type of grief. But you will be okay. 

Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).

Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)

The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed. 

A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF. 

But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for? 

‍

What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?

How do I navigate making a decision?

You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child.  What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?

Give yourself permission to imagine different options

Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options. 

Speak to trusted members of your community.

Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different? 

If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings?  If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.  

Summing it up

Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all  tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith.  It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.

‍