Fertility

Social media's incessant flow of perfectly filtered life updates and photos can be a double-edged sword. For those who are dealing with infertility, a simple scroll through a feed can sometimes turn into a painful reminder of what we are struggling with. An ad for diapers, pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, or family vacation photos can all trigger feelings of sadness and loss. 

These digital fragments, seemingly innocuous to others, can become acute pain points, echoing the unfulfilled desires and dreams of those grappling with infertility. In a space designed for connection, sharing, and joy, the unintended emotional toll can be heavy. 

If social media is bringing you daily triggers, I wrote this guide for you. It’s a guide to help tailor your social media environment, and serves not just as a practical tool but as a necessary aspect of self-care and emotional wellbeing. This guide aims to provide clear instructions and support, enabling you to create a more controlled and comforting digital experience.

How the algorithms works against you 

Algorithms are the unseen force shaping what we see and interact with online. Social media platforms leverage sophisticated machine learning and data analysis to create a feed tailored to our interests, behaviors, and interactions. However, for those grappling with infertility, these algorithms can inadvertently contribute to emotional distress. 

The algorithms work by tracking your interests and behavior. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest analyze your clicks, likes, shares, and time spent on specific content to understand your interests. If you've ever looked at baby products or followed pregnancy-related accounts, the algorithm remembers. This informs personalized advertising, where advertisers target you with specific content. Algorithms also suggest posts, accounts, and hashtags to follow. While this usually helps discover content that aligns with your interests, it can backfire if you're trying to avoid specific triggers.

Simultaneously, “cookies” record your visits to other websites, such as online stores looking at baby products or blogs about parenting. These digital crumbs allow advertisers to follow you back to social media, serving ads that align with your browsing history. The integration of algorithms with cookies means that a casual glance at a baby stroller can transform into a series of targeted ads on your social media feed.

Despite the overwhelming influence of these invisible algorithms powering our online experience, the reality is that you have the ability to take control and change the way these algorithms affect you. You can transform your social media experience into one that supports rather than undermines your emotional well-being. 

You're not entirely at the mercy of the machines. You have tools at your disposal, and the agency to shape a better online experience. In the sections below, we will explore specific strategies and methods to do just that. 

How to reduce triggering posts and ads on social media 

Let’s dive into the strategies for changing your social media algorithms. 

Unfollow or mute those who tend to post triggering content

You know those friends and influencers who continually post content that might be triggering. Their posts are not ill-intended, but they can still sting. If they aren’t a friend, you can simply unfollow them as a necessary step in self-care. But if they’re someone you can’t simply unfriend without some drama, try muting them. 

Muting someone is a feature that allows you to temporarily hide their content without unfollowing or unfriending them. 

• Instagram: Allows you to mute posts and stories from specific users without unfollowing them. Just tap the three dots in the top right corner of the post, and select "Mute."
• Facebook: You can "snooze" friends for 30 days, which is akin to a temporary mute. Click the three dots at the top right of a post and select "Snooze for 30 days."
• X (Twitter): You can mute accounts, meaning you will not see their posts in your timeline. Click on the three dots next to the Tweet, then click "Mute @[username]."
• Pinterest: Pinterest does not have a specific mute feature, but you can unfollow users by clicking on their profile and hitting the "Unfollow" button. If you want to give feedback on a particular pin, click on the three dots and choose "Hide Pin."
• TikTok: Allows you to mute users. Just go to the profile of the person you want to mute, tap the three dots in the top right corner of the screen, and select “Mute.”
• Threads: Allows you to mute users. Go to the profile of the user you want to mute. Tap the three-dots-in-a-circle icon in the top right corner and select “Mute.”

Change your advertising settings

It is not just posts from friends that can be triggering; targeted advertising related to pregnancy and babies can be equally distressing. After I lost my twins in the second trimester, I could avoid the baby aisle at Target but I had to manually shut off the pregnancy and newborn ads on social media platforms. 

Advertisers know how to utilize sophisticated algorithms and user data to target individuals with specific content. This results in ads for baby products or parenting services being presented to those who have recently engaged with related content. For someone grieving a loss or grappling with infertility, these ads can be more than mere marketing messages; they can become haunting reminders of dreams unfulfilled and hope deferred, reinforcing a cycle of emotional distress that one might be striving to overcome. 

• Instagram: Allows you to change ad preferences. Go to “Settings and privacy,” then “Accounts Center,” then tap on “Ad preferences.” There, you can manage ad topics and remove interests related to pregnancy or babies. 
• Facebook: If your Instagram and Facebook accounts are tied to the same phone number, you don’t have to do this again as ad settings for Instagram will automatically apply for Facebook as well. 
• X: Click on “Privacy and safety,” then “Ads preferences.” Turn off personalized ads, so you get generic ads instead of those tailored to your activity. 
• Pinterest: Allows you to turn off personalized ads. Click on “settings,” select "Privacy and data," and uncheck personalized ads.
• Google: With My Ad Center and About this Ad, you can block ads you don’t want to see. On any ad itself, select “More,” and then drop down to select “Block ad.”
• TikTok: Go to “Settings and privacy” and tap “ads” to see how your ads are personalized. You can turn off any interests that TikTok may have added. It can also be helpful to switch genders to confuse the app. 

Improve the algorithm by setting content preferences

The algorithms that govern your social media feeds aren't immutable; you can actively tailor them to suit your needs. By hiding certain words, phrases, or even emojis that might be triggering, you can create a more personalized and considerate online environment. Here's how to do that on different platforms:

• Instagram: Go to “Settings and Privacy,” then go to “Hidden Words” and choose the words or phrases you don’t want to see on your feed or in your DMs. 
• Pinterest: Go to “Settings” and “Tune your home feed” where you can add/remove interests, boards, and pins. 
• Facebook: You can see and adjust your Facebook Feed preferences by going to “Settings and privacy” then clicking on “Feed.” 
• Twitter: Allows you to mute words, phrases, or hashtags. Go to "Settings and privacy," click on "Privacy and safety," then click "Mute and block” where you can choose muted words that won’t show up in your timeline.
• TikTok: Limit content by going to “Settings and privacy” then “Content preferences.” There you can filter keywords that you don’t want to see. 

Refill your feed with content that makes you happy

Okay now that you have removed a lot of accounts, ads, and keywords that could be triggering, it’s time to add back in some content that will make you happy. Find joy in funny animal videos? Love food tutorials? Following accounts that focus on interests rather than personal life events can provide a welcome distraction.

Avoid social media when you're feeling especially down

The online world will always be there, but sometimes a break is necessary. If you’re feeling particularly sad one day, step away from the apps and find solace in the real world.

The bottom line

In a digital era where our lives are intertwined with social media, navigating the online world can be both empowering and perilous. The very platforms that offer connection and inspiration can also become minefields of triggers and distress, especially for those dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss.

Your virtual environment can and should be a sanctuary, reflecting your needs and nurturing your emotional health.

Through the conscious and intentional modification of settings and preferences, you can reshape your social media experience. From muting and unfollowing content that triggers pain to fine-tuning advertising settings, the power to create a safe and supportive online experience rests in your hands.

But this journey is also about mindfulness and introspection. Knowing when to embrace the virtual world and when to seek refuge in the tangible one is a subtle art of balance. Replacing the triggers with content that resonates with joy, humor, and personal interests can breathe fresh air into your digital life.

Ultimately, the algorithms, the advertisers, and the endless stream of posts don't define your online experience—you do. With the tools and insights shared in this guide, you're well-equipped to turn social media into a space of comfort rather than conflict.

In the end, social media is not just a reflection of what algorithms think we want to see; it's a reflection of who we are, what we value, and how we choose to engage with the world around us. The control is yours.

Even if you have accepted your infertility diagnosis and have accepted the idea of using donor eggs to start your family, others around you may still question you and your decision. Sometimes it comes in the form of nobody talking about it and sometimes the pendulum swings in the other direction and you may hear nosy questions such as:

• "Why couldn't you have your own child?"
• "Doesn't it bother you that your child won't be biologically related to you?"
• "Did you have trouble getting pregnant?"
• "Are you worried your child won't look like you?"
• "Did you have to spend a lot of money on this process?"
• "Isn't it weird to use someone else's eggs?"
• "Did you have to convince your partner to do this?"
• “Are you worried one day the kids will want to meet their donor?”

So, what are some things you can say to those “well meaning” but nosy questions?

Set boundaries

It's important to set boundaries with those who may be asking personal questions. You can politely decline to answer by saying that it is a private matter or that you prefer not to discuss it. Setting boundaries isn’t always easy.  But boundaries are important if you want to feel safe and protected. It is okay if the other party feels offended, but healthy boundary setting doesn’t mean you’re being hurtful. The boundaries you set can allow you to build a better, more respectful, relationship because they help establish a precedent for what you both expect from each other. 

Educate 

Even though it may seem obvious to you, some people really do not understand the process of using donor eggs and may be asking out of curiosity. Consider sharing educational resources or information about the process to help them understand better.

Be honest

If you are comfortable sharing, you can be honest about why you chose to use donor eggs. Whether it was due to fertility issues or personal preference, sharing your story can help to normalize the process and reduce stigma and in turn helps educate others around you.

Redirect the conversation

If you don't want to discuss your own experience (which is totally okay), redirect the conversation to a more general topic. You could say, "I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to keep my personal life private. Can we talk about something else?"

Seek support

Coping with nosy questions about using donor eggs can be emotionally challenging. Consider seeking support from a therapist, support group, or other individuals who have gone through a similar experience.

The bottom line

Some questions may come across as tasteless and hurtful. Yes, most of this stems from a lack of knowledge about egg donation, but some of it also comes from a place of genuine curiosity and wanting to understand. At the end of the day, this is your journey and your path. You get to decide who, when and how much information you share.  

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… how does that song go again? Our world has so many cultural rules and norms in place that we forget that in reality everyone’s experiences, needs, and realities are very different. We say we are open and tolerant to difference yet, we let society dictate how we live, love, and feel. So when a woman is diagnosed with infertility and told that donor eggs are required to have a baby, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to be a parent, different fears can kick in. One of the fears includes not being supported by family or friends. But what happens when that non-support comes from your partner? And what if despite his not wanting to use donor eggs, you still do? What happens then?

Understanding your options: the pros and cons of using donor eggs

The positives are obvious: you get to be a parent. And for some, another positive can be that  the husband's sperm can be used, thereby keeping some genetic connection. Negatives can include cost and finding the ‘right’ donor may take time. And in this scenario, conflicts with your partner about moving forward with donor eggs. 

Read more: I'm Considering Using Donor Eggs. What are the Pros and Cons?

Communicating with your partner: how to have a productive conversation

When this topic first came up, you both most likely had your own private reactions. You both may have needed time to truly digest and process the situation. But sometimes, one partner moves through the process a lot quicker and immediately decides what to do while the other partner needs more time to figure things out. 

So if you want to move forward with donor eggs and he doesn’t, what comes next? First, he needs the opportunity to spend time really digesting and processing this on his own terms.  He needs to sit and put himself in both situations (using a donor vs. not using a donor) and being honest about how that would look and feel. Has he had time to talk to someone without you? Maybe a friend, the REI, or even a therapist? He needs to talk to someone about his biggest worries, his biggest concerns, and his biggest issues with using a donor and sometimes that person is not you. 

You can’t force anyone to get on board just because that is something you really want. You also can’t let your feelings invalidate his feelings either. But what you can do is both get educated on the process, you can both speak with a therapist, you can both read the literature, and/or attend groups with other couples in your exact same situation. These are things that can help you make informed decisions, decisions that you can feel good about, even 20 years from now. 

Can I pursue donor eggs without my husband knowing? 

Surprisingly, this isn’t a joke. This question has been asked -  a few times. If you have this thought, then you need to work with a couples therapist. Starting a family is a huge endeavor, regardless if you use a third party or not. It is a life changing event that triggers a lot of stress and can be very challenging. If you are not on the same page regarding donor eggs you need to find a therapist who specializes in fertility. This is important so you aren’t spending time explaining the details of infertility, they will already understand and be able to flush out the issues with you.  

A fertility psychologist can help you  explore different parenting options. Options such as adoption, fostering, or maybe even living child free. It gives you the opportunity to create a safe space for you both to voice your feelings but also a safe space to learn more about each other's feelings, needs and wants. It can open space for understanding and a deeper connection. 

Coping strategies and how to manage your emotions during this time.

You can’t change the past and you can’t control the future. But you can learn how to be in the here and now by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can help regulate emotions, decrease stress, anxiety and depression. Practice self-care by doing things you enjoy and being with people you love. Talk to someone. Find a therapist, a friend or join a group, don’t bottle it up.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, there is no wrong decision. Navigating the complex world of infertility and exploring options like using donor eggs is a journey filled with challenges and emotions, particularly if you and your partner are not on the same page. It is essential to maintain open, honest, and compassionate communication throughout the process, granting each other the space to process feelings and come to a decision at your own pace. This is not a decision to rush, and sometimes the assistance of a fertility specialist or therapist may be needed to guide you both through this journey.

Remember, your feelings are valid and it is okay to feel a multitude of emotions. You are not alone in this journey and there are many resources available to you – from literature on the subject to support groups for couples facing the same situation. Lastly, self-care is vital during this time. Practice mindfulness, enjoy activities that you love and surround yourself with supportive individuals. Most importantly, no matter the outcome, it can lead to a deeper understanding of each other and potentially a stronger connection as you face these decisions. Together as a couple, you need to make a decision that is right for you and your family.

Being told you can’t have a genetic child can be heartbreaking. At the same time, knowing that there is still a possibility of being a parent and caring for a child and growing your family with the help of a donor, can bring relief. Still, that grief needs to be honored and given space and time to heal before moving forward. 

Stages of grief

Elisabeth Kubler Ross came up with five stages of grief that a person moves through when they suffer a loss. Researchers have found that these stages can be generalized to losses across the board - such as the grief of infertility. The stages aren’t linear and people may find themselves moving in and out of the different phases at different times. Some stages last longer  than others and some stages can be skipped over. 

Denial

It makes sense that after the initial diagnosis of infertility, a person might not believe it. Especially if they feel healthy, are ‘young’ by conventional standards or have never been sick. They can be quick to assume it is a mistake or can be quick to jump into another cycle of treatments because denial is at play. Denial is a method of self-protection as it can be painful to admit that your life plan may go in a completely different direction than you had ever imagined. One way to move on from this stage is to give yourself permission to feel the pain and sorrow and to dig deep to understand what this diagnosis means to you and what you think it means about you. Many times we have distorted beliefs about what something like this means about us. 

Anger

Once you get that second, third, or fourth opinion… or once you can no longer endure the treatments, anger may erupt. Anger can come in many forms; anger at self, anger at partner, doctor, or even random pregnant strangers. Sometimes this anger drives away those who can actually help and provide that very important emotional support. 

Bargaining

Anger is typically replaced by bargaining or what is sometimes called “magical thinking.” Meaning, a person in this stage might think that perhaps by dramatically changing their lifestyle, their doctor, their medical protocol, anything - with the hope that the changes will somehow have an impact and change the result of their diagnosis. 

Depression

Hiding from the world, lethargy, hopelessness, and intense sorrow describe this stage. It is important to note if this mood lasts most of the day, nearly every day for two or more weeks with a diminished interest in activities along with:

• Significant weight loss, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite 
• Fatigue or loss of energy 
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt 
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, 
• Recurrent thoughts of death

Then it is time to speak to your doctor. 

Acceptance

There comes a point during this time that your heart beat slows down, that pit in your stomach goes away and you feel as though you can breathe again. Whether you decide to adopt, use a donor or be child free, something inside finally says, “I am okay.” When this acceptance occurs, doors open, and options become available.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings

It is okay to not be okay. It's important to acknowledge and accept your feelings of loss, sadness, anger, or any other emotions you may be experiencing. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and understand that it's okay to grieve.

Seek support

You don't have to go through this alone. Seek support from family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. There are many online communities and support groups for people who are facing similar challenges.

Focus on self-care

Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Give your mind and body its best chance to heal by engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, exercise, and eating healthy.

Find meaning and purpose

Focus on finding meaning and purpose in your life beyond having a genetic child. This can include volunteering, pursuing a career, or cultivating relationships with friends and family.

Explore other options

Although you may not be able to have a genetic child, there are other options available such as donor eggs. Sometimes processing means moving forward with Plan B. 

Does it matter if my child is not genetically related to me?

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born naturally, through surrogacy or donation. 

Does the pain of infertility ever go away?

It doesn’t ever completely go away but you learn how to manage it and not let it impact your daily life. You learn that grief is part of the human experience. Everyone at some point or another will go through some type of grief. But you will be okay. 

Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).

Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)

The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed. 

A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF. 

But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for? 

‍

What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?

How do I navigate making a decision?

You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child.  What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?

Give yourself permission to imagine different options

Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options. 

Speak to trusted members of your community.

Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different? 

If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings?  If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.  

Summing it up

Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all  tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith.  It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.

‍