Donor conceived people

Donor egg IVF has become an increasingly common option for those who face obstacles in their journey to conceive. LGBTQ+ families, those who experience fertility challenges, and individuals with genetic disorders are among the many who benefit from using donor eggs. 

We spoke to five parents who used donor eggs to conceive their children, and asked them what they wished they had known before starting the journey. Here’s what they had to say. 

"I wish I knew that genetic connection doesn't define love"

The realization that genetic connection does not define the love between parent and child (or any two relatives for that matter!) is a significant one that many parents through egg donation come to embrace. While it can be a difficult concept to grapple with initially, the love and bond that develops between parent and child is not contingent upon shared DNA. The experience of raising a child through donor eggs can be just as fulfilling and meaningful as any other parenting journey, and the love between parent and child can be just as strong and deep.

Tiffany and James* struggled with infertility for years before turning to donor eggs. Tiffany admits that she initially worried about the lack of genetic connection with her child, but quickly realized that it didn't matter. "The moment I held my son in my arms, I knew that genetics didn't define the love I have for him," she says. "He's my child, no matter how he was conceived."

"I wish I knew that it's okay to grieve the loss of genetic connection”

For the Smith family, the decision to use donor eggs came after years of failed fertility treatments. While they’re overjoyed to have her twin daughters, Sarah says she wishes she had allowed herself more time to grieve the loss of genetic connection. "I was so excited to just move forward and finally have a baby, I didn’t give myself time to grieve," she says. “It wasn’t until years later when I finally started seeing a therapist that I realized I had underlying insecurities and grief that I needed to process.” 

“I wish I knew that everyone comments on your child’s features, whether your child is genetically related to you or not"

Rachel and her husband now have two children - one biological and one donor-conceived. Rachel shares that one of the most surprising things she's encountered is how people always try to ask where certain traits come from. "It doesn't matter if your child is genetically related to you or not - people are always trying to find similarities," she says. "I never realized it until I had a donor-conceived child, but people are constantly asking where certain traits come from, from height to personality to hair color" Rachel advises other parents to embrace the unique traits and qualities of each child and not worry too much about what others think. "At the end of the day, every child is a miracle and a blessing," she says.

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs"

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs," says Liz, a mother of two donor-conceived children. Liz went through several rounds of IVF before deciding to use donor eggs. "At first, we felt like we were going too far to have a child," she says. "But once we made the decision to use donor eggs, we realized that there was no shame in doing what was best for our family." Liz urges other parents considering donor eggs to remember that their decision is a personal one, and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to fertility struggles. "There is no right or wrong way to start a family, as long as there is love and commitment," she adds.

"I wish I knew that it's important to talk about the process with your child"

For Rohan and his husband, using donor eggs to conceive their daughter was a no-brainer. However, as their daughter got older, they realized the importance of talking openly and honestly about the process with her. "We didn't want her to find out later and feel like we had kept something from her," Rohan says. "So we started talking about it early on and she's grown up knowing that she was conceived with help from a donor."

Using donor eggs to conceive can be a complicated and emotional process, but these parents have all found their own unique ways of navigating it. Whether it's acknowledging the loss of genetic connection or celebrating the love and connection they have with their child, each of them has a story to tell about their journey to parenthood. And their stories offer a reminder that there's no one "right" way to build a family.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

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*Names have been changed.

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In vitro fertilization (IVF) using donated eggs, or donor egg IVF, has revolutionized the way people approach family building. For many individuals and couples, it offers an opportunity for one parent to have a biological connection where it may not have been possible otherwise. 

We spoke to several parents who conceived their children via donor eggs to learn more about their experiences and what they want others to know.

The decision to use donor eggs

For most parents who conceived via an egg donor, the decision to use this approach comes after much reflection and research. Many report trying other methods, including fertility treatments, before turning to donor egg IVF.

While the process of using donor eggs can be daunting, many parents report feeling a sense of relief once they made the decision. "It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders," says Megan*, a mother of two via donor eggs. "We had been trying for years with no success, and once we made the decision to use donor eggs, it was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. We finally had a plan in place."

The emotional rollercoaster of donor egg IVF

For parents who use donor eggs, the emotional journey of IVF can be intense. There can be a range of feelings involved, including grief, loss, guilt, and anxiety. This is especially true for those who experience a failed cycle or miscarriage.

"I wish I had known just how emotional it was going to be," says Sarah, a mother via donor eggs. "I went into it thinking it was just a medical procedure, but it's so much more than that. You're creating a life, and it's emotional and intense. It's important to have a support system in place."

Genetic connection: the pros and cons

One of the most significant considerations for parents who use donor eggs is the lack of genetic connection between the parent and child. While some parents report feeling a sense of loss or grief around this fact, others find that it is not a significant issue.

"I was worried about the genetic connection at first," says Chase, a father of two via donor eggs. "But now that they're here, it's not something that I think about very often. They're our children, and that's what matters."

Another consideration is how to approach the topic of donor eggs with the child. Many parents choose to be open and honest about their child's conception, while others wait until the child is older to broach the subject.

"There's no right or wrong way to approach it," says Lisa, a mother of one via donor eggs. "But the important thing is that you approach it."

Navigating societal stigmas

Despite the increasing prevalence of donor egg IVF, there can still be societal stigmas and misconceptions surrounding the procedure. Some parents report feeling judged or misunderstood by others, including family members.

"I wish people understood that it's not something we did lightly," says Jennifer, a mother of one via donor eggs. "It was a difficult decision, and it's not something we take lightly. We wanted to have a family, and donor eggs gave us that opportunity."

Moving forward: advice for other parents

For parents who are considering using donor eggs, the advice from those who have gone through the process is invaluable. Here are some tips and recommendations to keep in mind:

• Seek support: Whether it's from a therapist, support group, or loved ones, having a support system in place can be incredibly helpful.
• Educate yourself: Do your research and learn as much as you can about the process and what to expect.
• Be open and honest: Whether it's with your partner, family, or child, being open and honest about your journey can help foster a sense of understanding and acceptance.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help: IVF can be expensive and overwhelming, but there are resources available to help offset costs and provide guidance.

In the end, the decision to use donor eggs is a personal one that requires careful consideration and reflection. However, for those who embark on this journey, the rewards can be immeasurable.

As Kamala, a mother of twins via donor eggs, says, "I wouldn't change a thing. Our children are our world, and we're so grateful for the opportunity to have them in our lives. They are ours."

*Names have been changed

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Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today!