Am I the Biological Mother If I Use Donor Eggs?

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.” Linda Wooten. 

In school yards, we see little children playing house, pretending to be the mommy by soothing and cradling their crying babies. In their little minds, there is no doubt that this doll is their child and that they are the parent.  In the Jurrassic era, the dinosaur Maiasaura - meaning “good mother” - demonstrated parental behavior by feeding her young in their nests and staying with them until early adulthood. It was also found that she may have even “adopted” other babies whose mothers were no longer around and cared for them as if they were her own. 

In western society the term mother is broken into different categories. As you read the categories below, picture how each relationship looks and pay attention to any visceral feeling that pops up for you when you think about each one below: 

• Biological mother
• Step-mother
• Foster-mother
• Genetic mother
• Adoptive mother

As you were reading these names, you may have had a hard time distinguishing between some, whereas others you could easily create an image - the evil step-mother in Cinderella perhaps? 

Usually, all these relationships are thought to be pretty much the same because the word ‘mother’ has a similar meaning regardless of the prefix.  Now: enter third-party reproduction and we see terms such as ‘recipient’ or ‘intended mother’. And in this world of third-party reproduction, the relationship can become clouded with insecurity, fears, doubts, and the need for reassurance that this child we are bringing into the world will love us, and that we will love them - all because we don’t share the same DNA (by the way, all humans share 99.9% of their DNA).

Am I the biological mother if I use donor eggs?

In the case of egg donation, the donor is contributing her genetic material to create an embryo. So, yes she will be genetically related to the child. Their family trees will always and forever be connected. However, the egg donor does not have any legal or parental rights to the child and does not play a parenting role in the child's life. Legally and socially, the child is considered the biological child of the intended parents - the ones who will be caring for, nurturing and raising the child. 

Genetics vs. gestational involvement in defining motherhood

From a genetic standpoint, a mother is typically defined as the individual who contributes half of the genetic material (DNA) to the offspring with the other half coming from the sperm. This definition is rooted in biological principles and is often used in legal and medical contexts to establish parental rights and responsibilities. However, the genetic contribution alone does not necessarily encompass the entirety of motherhood. It overlooks the physiological and emotional aspects of pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing, which are central to the experiences of motherhood.

Gestational involvement refers to the physical process of carrying and giving birth to a child. This aspect of motherhood encompasses pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Gestational motherhood is often regarded as a deeply profound and transformative experience, shaping the bond between mother and child through the physical and emotional connection established during pregnancy.

The distinction between genetics and gestational involvement in defining motherhood highlights the multifaceted nature of this concept of “mother.” While genetics determine biological relatedness, gestational involvement encompasses the physiological and emotional aspects of pregnancy and childbirth. In many cultural, legal, and social contexts, both genetic and gestational factors are considered in defining motherhood, recognizing the diverse ways in which individuals may form maternal bonds with their children.

Legal perspective in defining motherhood

Laws regarding parental rights and responsibilities vary by jurisdiction. In some places, the woman who gives birth to the child is automatically recognized as the legal mother, regardless of genetic contribution. However, in cases of surrogacy or assisted reproduction with donor gametes, legal agreements and processes may be necessary to establish parental rights and obligations. 

Social and emotional perspectives on defining motherhood

Motherhood is not solely defined by genetics or gestation. Many people consider the social and emotional aspects of caregiving, nurturing, and forming a bond with a child to be integral to motherhood. Regardless of genetic or gestational contribution, individuals who raise and care for a child may consider themselves the child's "real" mother in terms of their day-to-day relationship and parental role.

From the child’s perspective

Children born via egg donation may have questions about their genetic identity as they grow older. Even though it is your family and your story, research shows over and over the importance of being open and honest with your children about their origins, emphasizing that genetics are but just one aspect of their identity, and that family is formed through love and care.

Providing children with access to information about their donor-conceived origins can empower them to make informed decisions about their health and identity as they grow older. Parents should consider discussing the donor's medical history and any available information about their background with their child in an age-appropriate manner.

Read more in: Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child

Navigating donor egg parenthood

Connecting with other families who have used egg donation can provide children and parents with valuable support and a sense of community. These networks can offer guidance, resources, and opportunities for children to connect with others who share similar experiences.

Overall, it's essential for parents to prioritize their child's emotional well-being and sense of identity when discussing egg donation. By fostering open communication, providing support, and celebrating their child's unique identity, parents can help their children navigate any challenges they may face and cultivate a strong sense of self-esteem and belonging.

Ultimately, whether you consider yourself the "real" mother in the context of using donor eggs may depend on your personal beliefs, values, and the significance you place on genetic versus gestational ties. It's important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, and different individuals and cultures may have diverse perspectives on what constitutes motherhood. Motherhood in the context of donor egg pregnancies involves a rich tapestry of genetic, gestational, legal, social, emotional, and identity-related factors, emphasizing the diverse ways in which individuals form maternal bonds and families.

Read more:

• Will My Baby Look Like Me If I Use an Egg Donor?
• Will I Regret Using Donor Eggs?
• Six Reasons Why Egg Sharing is a Better Egg Donation Model for Intended Parents